Jeff Goins says we shouldn’t be afraid to write ugly.
His words resonate. Probably because in this crazy, beautiful online community it is so blasted easy to put up fronts. To over-censor. I know I’m guilty. Because writing our ugly side, sharing it with the world. That’s a scary thing.
But it’s also liberating.
So here we go….
“Would it be accurate to say you seek attention and approval?”
Um.
The question was asked by my social worker. We were going over the results of my psychological assessment.
Right about now, some of you might be thinking. Social worker? Psychological assessment?
Ryan and I are adopting. Part of adopting involves a home study, which is where the social worker comes into play. And part of that home study involved a 600 question (yep, you read that right) psychological assessment.
When she read that particular result, all I could do was laugh.
Because the day before, I was having a day.
These days don’t happen every day. They don’t even happen most days, thank the good Lord. But some days.
Some days, I struggle. Some days are ugly. Some days I crave approval.
Here’s the thing about me. When I’m having one of these days, approval is like crack. I want more, and more, and more until I’m a strung out mess. The best thing for me to do on these days is ban myself from Goodreads and any other potential review sites.
The best thing for me to do on these days is shine the light on somebody else. Not because I want them to return the favor. Not because I’m such an awesome, encouraging person. But because I need to get out of my own head. I need to remind myself that none of this is about me.
The day before our social worker read me that result, I was having that kind of a day.
So I emailed my good friend Wendy Paine Miller. I told her I was feeling desperate. It was a day filled with insecurity and doubt and neediness. I told her I couldn’t wait until Jesus returned so He could take all the ugliness out of me.
And Wendy responded in that very poignant Wendy-way of hers:
I think the coolest thing about faith, she said, is that He got rid of the gunk already for us. It’s embracing that–living in that. Ah, freedom.
I needed that reminder.
Because although I gave my life to Christ eleven years ago, embracing God’s grace is not a one and done thing. It’s a daily activity. A daily embracing. Something we need to remind ourselves every single morning when we open our eyes and face a new day.
The gunk is gone. We don’t have to let it control us anymore. We are a new creation and there is victory in Christ.
I love that truth.
I cling to that truth.
Especially when I’m having an ugly day.
Let’s Talk: Do you ever have ugly days? What do you do to fight them?
I’m posting over at Melissa Tagg’s blog today. If you want some very practical tips for marketing yourself and your books, hop on over!
I’m giving away a copy of my book on my Facebook Page. All you have to do is give me a Would You Rather question. The thread is pinned up on the top and the comments are highly entertaining.
Hi Katie,
I’ve been reading your blog for some time and I really enjoy your advice. I think it is wonderful that you are planning on adoption. I am adopted by 2 amazing people who wanted a baby girl so much. Its great to be wanted so badly. There are difficulties for both adoptee and adopter (boy, do I know!) but remembering that God brought that particular child to these particular parents in just the right way can get you through anything. I was meant to be with my parents. As your child will be meant for you! Keep us updated 🙂
Thanks for this very “real” post, Katie!! I, too, thought “Butt Crack,” and was willing to go there with you. lol But I did let out a sigh of relief at seeing where you were headed, and burst out laughing, (which is funny in itself).
Your words, and every comment, has been a blessing – as you all discuss the Fine Line we walk daily, some days getting it more right than wrong, other days not so much.
Yes, I was just thinking about blogging about how blogging is all about “me” sometimes, and it just gets exasperating! But, as writers, we have to delve into the things that make us tick (and sin) and use that to make our characters real. I’m not an approval junkie yet, but OCD bossy girl? Yeah. So thankful for Wendy’s words of wisdom, which speak to us all in our darkest feelings.
On another note, thanks for sharing the new #Christfic hashtag! Excited to build a Christian writer/reader community on twitter. In fact, I’m tweeting this post now!
Haha, When I saw the title of this post, I thought your personal crack would be Diet Coke or something like that. 😉
Anyway, like others have said, I always appreciate your honesty, Katie. And it’s true…Especially in an online forum, it’s easy to hide the things we don’t want others to see. I’m so thankful for a God who sees it ALL and loves us regardless. Wow.
Thanks for being so honest, Katie. We’ve all been there. I definitely have. It’s always so refreshing when people are real about these struggles we all share. Helps us all see that we’re not alone. 🙂
Oh yes, I have those ugly days. More often than I should, I’m afraid. I have always been a people pleaser, wanting everyone happy and think I’m awesome. Yeah, it doesn’t always work out so well.
But there is One who is enough. He is the ONE I need approval from. And you know what? I have it! I’ve got his approval big time!
Katie, I love your heart. 🙂
It’s so good to know I’m not alone in my ugly days. I love the honesty in these comments. I love this community we have going. Wish I could give everyone a hug!
I love your posts and this one is especially beautiful to me, because I too can put up fronts. And like you, I have to sit down hard on the emotion–jealousy–that so often wants to crop up when I hear the good news of someone else. Oh it’s hard! And such a fight! But I have to ground myself in prayer and beg God to take it away from me. That I praise and give thanks for what I have here and now and give praise for the person who is succeeding before me.
Oh it’s ugly! But I love what Wendy said. So perfect. Like this post. Thanks, Katie
Approval seeking generally correlates to anxiety that the world is going to fall apart, and that you simply need reassurance. I’m not sure that’s ugly at all, especially if it forces you to turn to God for that reassurance.
Ugly days? I happened to be having one today, but it’s been lifted by the realization that life is precious, beautiful, and that the only thing that matters in the end is what we do for His kingdom, not what others do for us. (And yes, I’m talking about seeking approval. I’m a crack-addict like that occasionally, too.)
Beautiful post.
We know who we are, but sometimes we just crumble. Listen to your friend, Wendy, she is wise as they come.
lol – I think we’ve started a new club – AAA: Affirmation Addicts Anonymous.
It seems like as many times as I try to remind myself that God doesn’t make junk and I am a good and capable person and how it really doesn’t matter what anyone but me thinks – I still crave those little “pats on the back”. How wonderful it would be if we could really see ourselves as He sees us – at least that’s what I usually remind myself.
And you’re totally right, I find that on my ugly days getting out there and really doing something for someone totally helps.
Thanks for sharing this, Katie!
My friend, Frank, and I were just talking about this today: our need for approval.
We were created in the image of God who created to be known because He knows the greatest good is for us to know Him.
We long to be known…to be is to DO, right? But our motives are not pure. We long to be known for all the wrong reasons.
It’s when we long to glorify God with our talents, gifts, tangibles…then what we produce matters in the eternal.
Blessings!
Ruth
Katie, Thank you for another honest post. You help the rest of us stay honest. I imagine everyone who reads it will be able to relate in some way. I’ve realized since getting on FB and Twitter I’m battling those ugly days more often. After all, on a daily basis we’re exposed to not only the attention we’re getting (or not), but all the attention and affirmation everyone else is getting. Some days it takes a lot of prayer to “rejoice with those who are rejoicing.” 🙂 Let’s face it, how can we not struggle when we’re daily watching to see who “liked”, “retweeted” or “repinned” something we put out there -something dear to our hearts that others may or may not notice. I’m not downing social media (it definitely has its pros), but I’m coming to grips with the fact that I have a love/hate relationship with our new primary way of interacting and relating.
I have a lot of ugly days… and especially recently when I’ve been dealing with issues within our small group. I’m not proud of the fact that I’ve responded emotionally to emails. I’ve said things that would’ve been better off left unsaid. I’ve inserted my opinion where it shouldn’t have been inserted. And it is liberating to know that even when I’m ugly, God is there.
Beautifully written, Katie. I love how real and transparent you are… it’s so fun to follow your journey and I can’t wait to celebrate with you when your baby comes home.
Katie, your beautiful transparency is one of the many reasons I love you and your heart for Jesus. Thank you for these words today. I had an ugly day on Monday. It’s called “entitlement.” I won’t bore (or scare) you with the details, but I’m so glad as you said that ugly days are the exception not the standard. Hugs!
Oh, this is so true! I struggle with this too. But you are right – the gunk is gone. Praise God.
Oh yeah, I have ugly days. Pretty sure I had a great big slew of them right around the holidays which I’m sure was just oh-so-fun for the people around me. But thankfully, I have family and friends who are so good about speaking truth into my life – either in blunt words or subtle, gentle actions – both of which I need. 🙂
I love what you said about choosing to live in grace daily. It’s not a one-and-done decision. But there’s power in making that daily choice…when other uncontrollable things happen around us, even when our emotions are all out of whack, we still have the ability to choose grace over gunk. And that’s so cool.
Thanks for the morning encouragement, Katie!!
Yes, I definitely suffer from the occasional need-approval-all-about-me day. It’s so easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves and seeing ourselves by others’ standards instead of God’s standards.
I love your suggestions for how to beat it. I usually text a few friends and ask them to pray for peace in my life.
Um–more than not:))) And it is soooo normal for us to feel like you do. Hey, I have to tell myself that! I love Wendy and her wisdom–so cool we have our Christian friends to go to on those kind of days:))
p.s. When I first read your title, I immediately thought “butt crack.” So glad you wrote about drug crack instead.
I can totally relate. To your remedy too (shining the light on someone else). I feel so, so yucky when I’m making stuff all about me and so, so good when it’s all about Jesus and others. If only I could remember that and do it that way 100% of the time!
Oh lady! You know you could email me b/c I have SO been there. I fight the gunk every single day. I’m convinced I write things like what I wrote to you also as a reminder to myself.
I love your honesty. It’s refreshing. You are refreshing.
I love you. I get you. And by keeping it real in this post you are going to shake a little freedom out of some souls that need it at just the right times. Amen for that, sista!
~ Wendy
Oh, how I needed this exact post at this exact moment!! I definitely have ugly days. And when I’m having one of those days, it is so dang hard to remember that my value and worth does not start or stop with the people around me that I seek that approval from. And on those days, it’s so important to retreat and remember Who that approval needs to come from – and only Him.
Thanks for these awesome words today, Katie!
I think everyone seeks attention and approval at times. We want to be noticed, to be accepted, to be loved. It’s when the seeking becomes all consuming that we have a problem.
As you said so well, Katie, there is One who wants to lavish us with attention and offer us His stamp of approval, His grace, His soul-cleansing forgiveness. All we have to do is accept His free gift of salvation, and it’s ours.