Love and marriage. They go together like a horse and carriage…
That song is totally going to be stuck in my head now.
Oi.
But seriously…
Marriage and love.
Love and marriage.
It’s not a simple thing, is it?
You live with a person long enough and it becomes incredibly easy to take that person for granted.
I promise you, I’m guilty.
Here I am, a romance author, and yet sometimes I feel like I could use a lesson in romance. How’s that for ironic?
I just finished reading Far from Here by Nicole Baart and wow. There are so many things I loved about this novel. The prose. The characters. The story.
And the poignant, honest moments when the main character, Dani, faced the truth about her marriage.
Here’s a paragraph that really grabbed me. It comes right after Dani’s husband, Etsell, tells her that she is his home.
I was twenty-one years old. Too young to realize what he was saying to me. Too naive to know that gravity fades. That is dissipates with distance, sometimes becoming a link so weak and tenuous it’s a wonder we continue to orbit each other at all. Etsell and I treated love like a state of being, a law of physics that would exist simply because it always had. I didn’t learn until much later that love is actually a choice. The sort of choice that we have to make every minute of every day, even when we don’t feel like it. Even when all we want is to be anywhere but where we find ourselves.
Because when home is a person, it will always be a moving target.
When I finished reading that part, I had to put the book down and let the words soak. Let them settle.
And when they had, I was convicted.
Not because I don’t choose to love my husband. But because there are days when I don’t show that choice to him. There are days I’m so wrapped up in my own thing that I neglect him altogether.
Thankfully, he’s a gracious man. A wonderful, amazing man.
He understands.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t work on getting better.
In different news, I have lots and lots of ARCs to giveaway, thanks to my awesome publisher! So I’d like to do a giveaway today! One random commenter will receive a copy of my debut novel. So comment away!
Let’s Talk: How do you keep the love alive in a marriage?
Nicole is one of my favorite authors, so I was very excited when she agreed to endorse my debut novel, Wildflowers from Winter. To read her endorsement, click on the link and scroll down.
DH and I are honing in on our 30th anniversary this summer. We’re way past the point of finishing each other’s sentences. We’re to the point of starting to look like each other. Scary! Keeping Christ in focus helps keep the marriage centered, no doubt. It helps one overlook the small stuff. Stuff that was BIG when you’re in your 20s has dwindled to puff by the time you hit your 50s anyway. 🙂 Love is a verb. Honor your husband (even on those days you don’t “like” him very much) and remember Who told you to do it in the first place.
Great article, and compelling thoughts. I heard a preacher at a wedding ceremony once talk about how it really should be less about the wedding (day) and more about the marriage (life). The day is glorious, sparkly and fun. The rest of it can be…not so much. LOL Along with the “love is a verb” concept, I guess. It’s about committment and giving 100% no matter what. Loving unconditionally and without holding back, same way God does.
Thanks for the giveaway, Katie, and best wishes on the success of your debut novel! Congrats!!
-Emily
Please enter me! I’d love a chance to read your book. emily_reynolds(at)hotmail(dot)com
Thanks for your transparency. We always talked about love being a choice. If you just fall into it, you can just as easily fall out of it. It’s something you have to choose every day, even when it’s hard. And I agree with everyone (including DC Talk) who has said that love is a verb. We have to be actively looking for ways to love each other. I’ve always found that at the times that I feel least loving, if I choose to do something loving anyway, the feelings follow.
Wow, Katie, what a beautiful post! And so important! The last line of the passage you cited was especially a zinger. So well-written! I might have to pick up this book now! Ha!
My husband and I do our best to go on dates, which really helps us refocus, but even still, it can be hard to avoid slipping into routine! All to often, I look at us and realize we are sitting two feet away from each other, but both in two totally different worlds… usually mine involves my Macbook, which is attached to my hip! But really, it can be so hard to break out of that and get back to that “dating” level of focus on each other.
Another thing I do is I try to recognize the current stage of our relationship (whatever it is at the time) for its strengths as opposed to other stages. For instance, it’s so easy to compare everything to when you’re dating. But that isn’t an ideal time at all! Too much that’s uncertain… you’re not really even “allowed” to talk about marriage, and after every fight, you wonder in the back of your mind if it’s going to be your last. Now when we fight, I know we’re going to make up before bedtime if we want to both sleep in the bed. Ha!
Thanks for this post, Katie!
I think for the first few years we forgot about the power of laughter. Just playing together, and joking around and having fun. Sometimes the house, the kids, the finances, the plans, made our relationship about ‘updates’ instead of just really enjoying each other. I choose to LIKE him, and love him, too. (:
What great writing! I love that concept–home is a person.
We’re going to be moving near my parents soon, and I kept asking my husband if he was SURE it was okay (although we both knew it was God’s will, just don’t want to feel I’m pushing him that way). He told me, “YOU are my home.” That certainly shut me up! Those are the words we all long to hear, and I’m so thankful God gives us mates on this earth who can fill that longing, at least to the degree it can be filled here.
And you know I’d love to win your book!
That song really is stuck in my head. Thank you for that! 🙂 My experience is that love is always evolving and we need to evolve right along with it. The love my husband and I experienced the first year of marriage is not the same as it is now. We are different people (individually) because of life experiences and that changes who we are as a team.
Maybe it’s like a carousel. It keeps turning whether we jump on or not. I think my husband and I are both guilty of standing by and watching it turn. It’s time we jumped back on…
*No need to put me in the contest!
Great post, Katie. Thanks for the honesty and reminder. I’ve been married 29 years and am still finding the balances. I could write books on this. Oh wait, I already do. 🙂
And thanks for getting that song stuck in my head now too.
🙂
What a great passage…and so true!
When I was 21, my husband was overseas serving in the USMC. We had only been married 5 mos when he left. He considered me his “home” because he was so very far away.
Then, 2 years later, he was overseas again and I was home alone in NC. My family was 2,000 miles away and my husband was 10,000 miles away. He had become my “home” and that made it so very hard to get through that separation.
11 mos later he was truly HOME with me!!
So, when times get hard (and they have been very hard over the years…) I remember back to those days when a letter from him meant the entire world to me.
And I smile.
Now his notes on the bathroom mirror mean the world to me.
God is good.
Great post and thanks for making me stop and remember!
~Ruth
It takes realizing you can’t do marriage alone, that you must invite God to soften your heart to put the other one first. And we cringe at that, because we like to be independent and we like to be selfish. At least, I do. The older I get and the longer I’m married, the more flaws I see in myself. So I beg God to fix me.
Don’t put me in your contest, Katie, because there will be much better romance reviewers on this site than myself. 🙂 But I have to say this just be shockingly goofy: sex and alcohol. Yup, the two great crimes of un-marrieds are great for marrieds. The point being that you need to relax with your loved one and spend quality time with him. That’s all.
My husband and I were just talking about the amount of divorces we have witnessed in our circle of friends and family. 🙁 Marriage is certainly work. To boot, we are one of ‘those couples’ who admit to needing solo time. I’m thankful we are BOTH that way. It’s not something I can change about myself, nor him, so I’m very glad that God paired us up together and we understand that and thrive because of it. 🙂 (He just came home from a 10 day trip and we are now happily reunited.) Have a great weekend, Katie.
Sometimes we just have to go with the ebb and flow of our relationship, trusting it will handle the currents. I think everyday kindness goes such a long way to keep the loving feeling. Hugs, how-was-your-day, and genuine interest mean the world to me!
When deadline is said and done, I want to read Far From Hear. Now even more.
How do I/we keep love alive in our marriage?
Date nights.
Really. They make such a difference.
Even if it’s just a walk through Garden of the Gods here in the Springs — a chance to hold hands and talk — my husband treasure our focused “us” time.
We talk a lot. We don’t talk a lot (if you catch my drift). Wink. Wink. :d
We work hard.
Nicole is a beautiful writer! Is it Oi or Oy? I was writing Oi but I noticed many others were writing Oy. But I see spellchecker correcting my Oy. Guess this is just another example of not following the crowd. Life lessons by Wendy. 😀 😀 😀
~ Wendy
I’m a fan of Oi.
And I totally catch your drift! Love.
Wow…must buy that book. Good, good stuff.
We just spend time together. Talk. Laugh. And we try to make our talking about the stuff that matters. Our dreams. We talk a lot about our dreams. Praying together is another huge one. We’re not always the best about it, but I know we’ll get better. 😀
Praying together is such a blessing! I love when my husband says, “Maybe we should pray about this.” And then leads us in prayer.
Thank you for this post, Katie. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, but we’ve known each other for 16 (half our lives!). It’s easy to get comfortable in your marriage and to forget the flutter of love that first lead to all this… I truly believe love is a choice, one that I have to make every day. With four children, a small business, extended family nearby, remodeling a home, etc., we’ve found ourselves busy with responsibility and daily work, but we have to remind ourselves that we are more than co-laborers, we are also best friends and so much more.
I admire my husband exceedingly and I know he does me. We are great communicators and it keeps our marriage healthy. Even when the communicating is heated over an issue, we still voice our frustrations and concerns, never bottling it up.
There are many areas we still need to work on and life keeps us on our toes, but we’ve both committed to making the choice to love each other every day.
I love this, Gabrielle: but we have to remind ourselves that we are more than co-laborers, we are also best friends and so much more.
So true.
What a great passage ~ thanks for sharing it!
My husband and I are fortunate to work in the same building, so we get to have lunch together every day. We’re always amazed to hear other people talk about how they can’t wait for “time away” from their spouse, or, even better, tease us about not missing our lunches (one of my colleagues even spread out a tablecloth and an electric candle as a joke). But for us, that’s the secret — we enjoy being together no matter what is happening, good or bad, and that simple act of being there, of being each other’s best friend, makes love grow stronger every day.
Thanks for a great post!
I love this, Lynda. I love being around people who genuinely want to be around their spouse. Thankfully, I feel like I’m around a lot of these people.
Man! That was gorgeous writing and deep! I think me shall download it! 🙂
I think communication, and not the “Hey, B needs $10 for lunch and M has karate night.” kind of communication. We talk. We laugh. And I think laughing is a HUGE deal in marriage. Especially after 17 years!
I already won a copy of your debut so don’t include me in the random drawing! 🙂 Have a great weekend, Katie!
I highly recommend. Nicole Baart’s writing is seriously off the hook.
Wow, that is powerful…Because when home is a person, it will always be a moving target.
I’ve been learning alot from Keli Gwyn about romancing her husband. She has shared some of her real life romance with her readers and it is inspiring. It really is true. Love is a verb and we need to proactive to show the people we love just how much we love them.
Thanks for the reminder.
Amen, Sherrinda – I’ve been learning lots of Keli too!
Wow. That passage you quoted packs a wallop, Katie. Lotsa hard-hitting truth in those words.
I think what happens in many marriages today is that people head to the altar thinking love is a noun, something one person gives to another. Something each of us deserves but some of us take for granted.
Having been married twenty-four years, I’ve learned what makes a difference is realizing that love is also a verb. A healthy, satisfying marriage requires both partners to take action, choosing to show love in word and deed, even when the feelings have fled, trusting that that the very act of loving will restore the sweet fellowship once shared.
I have never heard it described like that – love as a noun vs. a verb. I absolutely love that Keli and it is such a great reminder to met his morning. Today, I’m really going to focus on showing love to my husband.
What? You mean to say that you don’t remember THIS amazingness circa 1992? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRfFuhrdGKM&ob=av2e
Thanks for making me laugh this morning, Erynn!