A few months before my wedding, I started having these dreams. And when I say dreams, I don’t mean the pleasant kind. I mean the kind where I slept in and couldn’t find my dress and frantically raced across town so I could walk down the aisle with pajamas and bedhead and bad breath.
Yeah. Those kind.
The sweat-inducing, anxiety-ridden dreams that had me thanking the good Lord as soon as I jolted awake.
Which is sort of odd, because in general, I’m a pretty laid back person. I’m not a stressball or a worry wart. Yet the dreams came. Almost as if some sort of latent anxiety unleashed itself the minute I hit my REM cycle.
Well guess what?
Last week, I had my first official debut disaster dream in which my book received horrible reviews. Nobody liked it. Nobody. In fact, I was walking down this hallway and overheard one writing friend say to the other, “It definitely won’t win any awards.”
I remember feeling mortified and depressed all at the same time.
So when I woke up in bed, with my book still safely tucked away in the vault at my publishing house (they don’t really have a vault), relief overwhelmed me.
Followed closely by a bout of nerves.
Because in a little over seven months, people are going to read my book. Real live people. And some of those people are going to write reviews that I will see. And what if those reviews aren’t any good? What if I get a one-star reaction? Or worse, what if I get a whole bunch of mediocre ones?
Confession time.
I care way too much about what other people think. I seek approval. I like acceptance. I want to please. Which is something I have to surrender to God every single day. I do not want my self-worth to hinge upon people’s acceptance or rejection of my work.
I want to keep my eyes focused upward. Because at the end of the day, I can’t control how readers will respond. I can only do my very best with the gift God’s given me and let the rest go.
Let’s Talk: How do you respond to reviews? Or how do you hope you’ll respond? And for fun, tell me about the worst anxiety dream you’ve ever had. I’m sure there’s some good ones out there!
To be honest, I have those nightmares as well. Even though I had some wonderful endorsements from well-known authors in the first few pages of my book, I dreaded having to read those first few reviews from people I didn't know from Adam. It still kind of freaks me out. Fortunately, for my sake and the sake of all who know me, the reviews have been pretty good so far. And that makes me feel good. I'm glad people are enjoying my writing, that they're 'getting' my words. But of course then there's always the next book to worry about. And don't even talk to me about sales numbers. I wish I had never heard of Amazon Author Central. Really.
Yes, if and when I get a contract, Katie, I can imagine experiencing just this kind of nervousness. Under the circumstances, though, I'm sure it's quite normal! You're not alone; hang in there!
Katie, this made me laugh. Before writers conferences, I used to dream for weeks that I was back in college, looking at my credits sheet, and realized I was one stinking credit short of graduating. Of course it was my senior English paper (I was an English major–had one paper I worked on all semester that was worth its own credit). And I hoped no one would notice and let me graduate anyway.
Thankfully I don't have those anymore! But I fully expect them to reappear if/when I get that contract.
Praying your dreams get better! 😀
I think I might stay away from reviews and only let my husband tell me about the positive ones. But that might be too much denial.
Your last paragraph says it all, Katie. Hang in there! At least you didn't dream that you were running down the street naked carrying your books so people wouldn't burn them. Yep… 🙂
Oh my goodness. *hugs* I haven't had any dreams but I feel nervous, sooooo nervous. I keep thinking about family and friends who will read it and think, "I thought it would be better."
Or bloggers "She gives good advice but I don't think she took her own advice."
*cringe*
I like what Eileen said. Now to let go….erghh.
I have horrible disaster style dreams too. They are so incredibly vivid, half the time I wake from them shaken. It's normal to worry. I got my first bad review recently and it broke my heart. But then I got onto some of the Twilight series books and read some of the horrible reviews she got. Knowing how incredibly well those books have sold, along with the movies, I'm sure she now laughs at those reviews. There's always going to be someone, whether they really thought your book sucked, or whether they are just having a bad day and want to make someone else feel bad, or maybe they are sitting there wishing they could have the guts to write their own book but don't and would prefer to critique someone elses. I figure if my book touches people, if the characters draw them in, then I've accomplished my goal. I'm sure your book will be great. Get great Reviews. But don't freak out if you get a few bad ones too.
Katie, I suspect every about-to-be published author gets those nightmares ( I don't call them dreams — that's for the happy ones only). I like what you said about surrendering to God. Definitely the way to go!!
You wrote it for Him, right? So it's all in His hands now!
I think I will probably do badly with reviews. I'm like you, I care way too much what people think.
So much so, that I really have trouble writing reviews, too. I started out giving everything I read 5 stars because I didn't want to hurt any feelings. But that doesn't help the readers filter through to find books that they like.
Such a conundrum.
my worst anxiety dream is too convoluted to write out. seriously. needless to say, it had to do with upside down beds in a traveling alien UFO that all my friends went on and i was left behind. woke up crying. seriously traumatic.
reviews? i get my ire up with some blog comments, much less reviews. i have a long way to go.
you're book will be well received, chica. you're amazing. 🙂
Well, howdy Miss Caroline! I always love seeing you pop up on my blog. I hope you're right about my book. 🙂 I love getting to see you and Gretchen on Friday mornings!
Hi Katie! Your book is going to be great!!!! And really, your worst nighmare was abot that?! Wait 'till I tell Gretchen! Mine have been pretty nasty….. Well, see you soon.
-Guess Who
Oh, yeah, I totally have crazy nightmare dreams when I'm a ball of anxiety. For sure. People are going to love your books, Katie!! Rest easy!
Oh goodness, I'm sure I'll be a wreck. I love how honest you are in your posts, Katie. So refreshing and encouraging!
Thanks for all the encouraging words everyone!
Keli – yours made me laugh! I can't wait to hold YOUR book in my hands!
What? Anxiety dreams are part of the debut author process? Yikes! Knowing me, I'm sure to have some along the lines of my first day of school dreams when I got to school wearing underwear and little else, then. I'm sure Jeannie Campbell, the Character Therapist, would say they reveal my underlying fear of being exposed. But since that's what I'm sure to be feeling when my book is ready to hit the shelves next July, I'm thinking dreams such as those would be on target.
Even though you're having PJ/bed-head dreams now, Katie, I expect your fears are for naught. However, your readers are likely to experience real life PJ/bed-head mornings because your story was so captivating, it kept them up until the wee hours
I dream of the day I'm holding your book in my hands and can savor the story.
I don't know you or what you've written but the Snake lives to steal God's glory. If you glorify the Lord, expect to be attacked by the Enemy. In the meantime, pray for protection from those sleep-stealing dreams and rest in the Lord's mighty grip. He has GOOD planned for you! 🙂
We all want readers to love our books–that's normal! I certainly am not writing, hoping beyond hope to get bad reviews! But "meh" reviews are part of life. I take Carolyn See's advice that it's none of our business what other people think of us. That goes for our books, too!
It's all nerves.
It's just a dream…
I hope to someday have bad reviews. Why? If I have bad reviews, it means, first of all, that I'm published. It also means that I'm in good company with my favorite authors (such as Ian McEwan. Many reviews of his work are scathing, mean-spirited even. And I can only hope to be as great an author as he is). You don't often find bad reviews on Christian fiction, unless a non Christian is dissing the Christian aspect of the work. I find that disturbing. The best mainstream authors have a lot of 1-star reviews because analytic readers are spending the time to read the work, as well as review it.
Katie, thanks for being real. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that has anxiety over whether readers will like my novel…ha, and mine isn't even finished, and I don't have an agent or a publication deal yet! I'll just have to pray for extra help if/when I get to the place you're at!
All of my anxiety-ridden dreams have me showing up to work in my kinda-revealing pajamas. *yikes*
For every reader who won't care for a story, there is more than a handful that will LOVE it!!
Besides, Erica is right. If she loves it, the rest of the world will too. Take it from a NYT bestselling author. 😉
I agree with Terri. I'm sure these nerves seep into every author. You have the best plan already in place- keeping your eyes lifted upward.
Someone is waiting to read what God has deposited in you:)
LOL, walking down the aisle with pajamas and bad breath—oh, the horror! *giggles*
I love reading amazon & good reads reviews for some strange reason. If I were to ever be published, I'd fear that my regular obsession with reviews would be over-the-top when it came to my own. Not a good thing.
Lately, my recurring anxiety dream is that "they" (in quotes because "they" are big, scary, faceless people who have some sort of influence in my life) find out that I didn't really graduate college—that there are some missing credits and my degree is null and void. I wake up in a panic, and then think "whew" . . . because we all know how relevant having a college degree is to being a SAHM, right? 😛
Though I'll phrase my response in terms of feedback–I think I have learned to take it well.
I understand that my work may not be for everyone and that I try to look for the constructive criticism for improvement and let the other stuff bounce off me.
Readers are going to love your book! Your publishing team, your agent, and your crit partners, who all have impeccable taste (hee hee) love it, so readers will too. 🙂
I get it. I'm here.
And I've had some pretty messed up dreams. I'm convinced that I can stay oh so strong in the daytime, but that is when I'm vulnerable and the uglies can creep in most.
~ Wendy
I bet every debut author has those same dreams:) You will be fine.
I do have worry dreams, dreams that we won't make it here in Texas, that I will never make friends etc etc …the list goes on and then I wake up and pray hard!
Most of my anxiety dreams happen when I'm awake, and they're probably way more frightening than what my sub-conscience can dream up. 🙂
I'd like to say mediocre and crummy reviews will roll off my back like water, but truth is, until it happens I'm not sure. Praying for lots of grace when the time comes.
I personally have no doubts your book will be wonderful! 🙂