Over the past few weeks, I’ve had this slow-acting epiphany steal through my body. All these little things adding up to bring about an entire brain-shift. I thought maybe I’d share it here.
Most of you know I’ve been waiting. One of my manuscripts is awaiting Pub Board. The full is also in the hands of seven other publishing houses who have yet to respond (since January). Not sure if this means they aren’t interested, or if they truly just haven’t gotten to it yet. But I digress. This is not the point of my post.
The point is to share my epiphany.
I landed an agent in November of last year.
I’m going to be honest with you now. Dead honest. (And you have permission to laugh.) There was a part of me that thought all my dreams had come true the night I received The call (you know which call I’m talking about). There was a part of me that seriously thought all my problems would go away, I’d float on cloud nine for the remainder of my days, all happiness and joy mine forever and ever. This was the moment when everything would start happening! I’m still not sure yet what I thought would happen, but I was convinced my world would be in a permanent state of excitement from then on out. Because I. Had. An. Agent.
Then reality set in.
My fabulous agent submitted my stuff. The waiting began. And I started to think….Hey, wait a minute, this isn’t as glorious as it was supposed to be. I still get irritable over stuff that used to make me irritable. I still get PMS. I still go through periods of doubt where I think my writing is the most horrific excuse for story-telling ever penned by another human being. I still occasionally get the urge to shake my fist at the stars and scream, “Why isn’t anything happening?” when I open my gmail. I’m not published yet. And if possible, the waiting is worse. Yes, worse! This isn’t what I signed up for at all.
Then delusion creeps up on me.
I start to think. Okay, so getting an agent wasn’t the answer to all life’s problems. Okay, fine. But getting published. Oh, but getting published. Now THAT will be the answer. That will be the moment when everything comes together. That will be the day when all my dreams come true and all my prayers are answered. The moment when every breath will finally make sense. Yep. I get it now.
I’m poking fun at myself, but I don’t think I’m alone in my delusions. I think my thinking (whoa) sheds light on a serious human condition. This insidious belief that once we accomplish this thing we’ve set our sights on, or once we reach a certain rung on the ladder of our lives, everything is going to get better. For me, it’s publication. For others, it’s a promotion. Or a raise. Or a job. Or an award. Or a status. Or a guy. Or a girl. Or a baby. Or a million and one other dreams we might dream.
Here’s where the epiphany comes in.
I’m sitting through a church service like the one I sat through a few Sundays ago and God pretty much reaches out His holy hand and smacks me in the face.
The pastor showed a very short clip of Tom Brady being interviewed on 60 Seconds. Tom says, “This can’t be it. I mean, come on, there has to be something more.”
Umm…. I don’t know if you know this or not, but Tom Brady has three super bowl rings. Three. Let’s do an analogy. Tom Brady is to football as Karen Kingsbury is to the world of Christian fiction. He’s reached his goals. He’s won the super bowl three times. Yet, something inside him isn’t satisfied. He realizes life isn’t ultimately about the ring. And I realized something I already knew in my head, but hadn’t quite grasped with my heart.
My life isn’t about getting published.
Getting published, while one of my dearest dreams and grandest writing ambitions, is not my life’s pursuit. It shouldn’t be. Because if that’s the basket I’m putting my eggs into. If that’s what I’m banking on to bring about ultimate joy and fulfillment, then I’m in for a sore disappointment. Someday I’ll hold my book in my hand and realize I’m still easily-annoyed by traffic jams. I’m still angry when my husband fails to read my mind. My son still bites when I tell him not to. I’m not selling as many books as I envisioned. I’m not getting the accolades or great reviews I’d set my heart upon. And I’m still hungry (for chocolate, yes, but also for something more).
In the words of Tom Brady….this can’t be it. There has to be something else.
Oh, Lord, I’m so thankful there is.
My life isn’t about pursuing publication. My life’s ultimate goal isn’t about being multipublished with my own shelf in Barnes and Noble. My happiness does not (and should not) hinge upon selling my manuscripts.
My life’s pursuit is Jesus. It’s knowing Him. Drawing near to Him. Pursuing Him with a passion and devotion that trumps any contract, any advance, any amazing phone call that may or may not be coming my way. That’s the “it” Tom Brady was talking about. That’s the “it” I want to cling to. Like the words to that old hymn: Give me one pure and holy passion. Give me one magnificent obsession. Give me one glorious ambition for my life. To know and follow hard after you.”
While writing is a God-given gift and a passion He’s burned into my heart, it’s not my life’s breath. Jesus is my life’s breath. My job is to pursue Him. And let Him do what He wills with my writing. Knowing that makes waiting a lot easier.
Questions to Ponder: Have you had any epiphanies lately? Are you as delusional as me? Have you ever thought getting an agent, or getting a contract, will or would be the answer to all of your prayers?
Amen – what a wonderful reminder you have provided us!!!
Thank you so much for this post! Exactly what I needed to hear today, especially since I've been pretty discouraged by my writing lately.
Yep. This is true. I still clean the litter box. It really IS all about the journey..NOT the destination.
This is really true. I've had several big accomplishments. Dreams come true.
Amazing how it changes so much less than I thought it would. Sometimes success makes life harder, more painful. People you thought were friends distance themselves from you.
But we should still strive to be our personal best for God. We give him glory when we do well the things we were designed to do!
What a blessing to have received such clarity and perspective! I think every author struggles with delusions of grandeur at some point. Thank you for being so transparent 🙂
I got to your site from a tweet by Bill Coffey.
Your post reminded me of one I had written a little while back about life's ordinary moments http://www.newdaynewlesson.com/?p=44
It's the same in the way that as humans we have a way of overlooking the important every day things in our lives.
Lovely.
Why do we continue to think that anything aside from Him will fill voids and makes us complete?
Thanks for your honesty.
Many movie stars, atheletes, professors, and yes, even writers learn that goals reached aren't Heaven found.
Only Heaven is Heaven. And Heaven is only great due to Who lives there and Who lives in our hearts if we follow Him.
Your blog gave me food for thought. Roland
"My life's pursuit is Jesus. It's knowing Him. Drawing near to Him. Pursuing Him with a passion and devotion . . ."
Amen and amen!
Beautiful post.
I think we all go through so many ups and downs in this business that it's hard not to pin our dreams on "this" or "that." I am severely humbled at least once a year.
If it helps, I read a blog series at Books & Such agency about the tough realities of publishing today–you aren't alone in a long wait.
Excellent post!!! I know writing or selling a book is not what this life of mine is meant for:) It's like you said, to serve God.
TOday I volunteered and taught retired missionaries how to write down their stories. I can't tell you the blessings they are giving me hearing about what they did. It doesn't compare to having one book published or a zillion.
Sounds like we're in the same boat, although your book sounds way more popular than mine.
I'm not sure getting a contract will end world hunger or anything, but it's certainly one of my more selfish prayers. I guess we're allowed a couple of those, I dunno. Mostly for me, I will feel that all the years of hard work have been worth it. I sort of feel like I have something to prove, for various reasons, but that's another rant.I just want to be a writer, and I suppose only time will tell whether I'll end up being a published one!
Some of my friends are going through what you went through.
Keep your reader the Audience of One, and contentment settles in. All the way.
It's been my survival kit! LOL.
Great to be back here!
Patti
Well said, Katie. The goal changes, but the desire to reach it will never fade until we stop chasing the things of this world. Thanks for the reminder.
Blessings to you!
Nicole
Hi Katie –
Wonderful post!
It's good to have goals. When they turn into our reason for living, we've got a problem. I want everything I do to be the result of my relationship with the Lord.
Blessings,
Susan 🙂
I had this very same epiphany right before I received the contract offer on my debut novel. Because I want to quit my day job and be home writing more and spending more evenings and weekends with my family, I need this reminder often, even though I've already had this epiphany. I tend fall back into old routines and old thinking patterns and I have to pull myself back out of it. It is a full journey.
Blessings,
Katie: My eyes brim with happy tears as I read your post. I'm so proud of you, that your heart is centered on Jesus, rather than His gifts of favor.
I go through this on a regular basis. You are not alone. But you are one of the brave ones who admit to your fallability. Brave and mature. I thank you for that.
Love you,
Jen
I had a similar experiecne just before I was about to met with agents and editors for the first time ever in my life. I was scared out of my brian feeling like everything in my life, all my dreams and hopes were coming down to the next couple of hours and the outcome of those pitches. Then I realized two things. One the writing of my memoir has already brought me more blessing and joy than I imagined. God has used writing as a tool for my healing. And the battle is already fought and won. I began to see that I had already done the hard work. I had already fought for my very life, twice over in fact and really, what could be more scary than fighting for your very being? Meeting with agents and editors suddenly started to pale into insignificance. The second thing I realized is that as imperfect as I am, as flawed as my writing still is, as far as I still have to go, God gave this story to me. I am the writer he has to work with for this story. He knew what he was getting. He knew where I would be and where the book would be at exactly this time before I pitched to agents. His timing is perfect. And His plans are above mine. He knows what he wants to come out of the pitches and the conference, and it is not necessarily the same as my plans. Therefore the book is His and the way it comes into print is His to guide too. I can only do what I can do. The rest must settle with Him. I know this much, what ever happens with my writing will not be because of who I am, it will be because of who He is.
I went into those pitches with a sense of knowing who I was in God. I am His kid. I am His writer. And my life is about far more than the writing. I am thus trying to stay settled in the knowledge that He is able to far more than I could ever dare hope, dream or ask.
Hugs to you Katie. And thank you for this post. It says exactly what I am coming to understand about the gifts God gives us. They are ours to enjoy and use for His glory, but our life has to be about Him or it is meaningless.
Love to you and your family. 🙂
Amen. It's so true. I remind myself of that every day. And then i ask, okay, God, why did you give me this passion to write? And how do you want me to use it? (B/c I know it isn't to write christian fiction)
And yes, I can comment again!
What a great post, Katie! I love those God-smacking-me-across-the-face moments. They're not always fun, but He knows how to get my attention. 🙂
Your post resonates with me, Katie. To live my life for Christ and share his message through my witness, be it one word of encouragement to another or through a published page, is all that matters. The means which he chooses to do so is up to him. I'm only a flawed vessel.
Praise God for this post. This is the stuff of faith. Our pastor told us about the Brady quote too and like you, I remember it at key times.
If only an agent would eradicate PMS. Man, I'd be querying like crazy!
Posts like this make me salute you. And praise God all the more.
~ Wendy
Yes, I'm giving the intro to my church's women's coffee on Saturday and the topic is Intentional Living. I read a quote from Tim Tebow that was really inspiring. He has his focus on the eternal and when God asks him how he helped people he's going to have more than three football championship rings to show Him. Really had me thinking.