Spiritual warfare is real. I believe it in 100%. I have my very first Christian writing conference coming up. Something I’ve been looking forward to for a long time. And last week, somebody painted a giant bulls-eye on my back and gave Satan the gun. It’s not like any big catastrophes happened. It was just all these little nagging things that kept cropping up until I reached a point on Friday where I combusted.
In the midst of my meltdown, wherein my husband hugged me and let me “get it out”, I had an epiphany. Well, I had a couple epiphanies.
1. Satan is overjoyed when we’re in a place of discouragement and frustration. Less than a week to go before venturing to this conference, a big move in my writing career, and my attitude was, “I’m delusional. I’m one of those crazy writers who thinks her writing is good, when really it sucks. Who am I kidding? I’m not good enough. I don’t have enough time. I don’t have enough energy. I don’t have enough talent.” I told my husband (during my meltdown) that I’d never felt so discouraged in my life. Not just in writing, but in everything. And I didn’t know where it was coming from, other than Satan sucking me down, trying to get me to focus on what’s tough, instead of on the ONE who is tough enough to carry me through everything.
2. I need to change my focus. Hubby and I went on a walk with Brogan and Bubba that night, and while we talked, I had to ask myself this question: Who am I writing for? Really, deep down, who am I writing for? Myself? Or God? I want to write for God. Period. That’s it. Not for praise. Not for admiration. Not for accomplishment. Not for publication. Not so I can make money and stay home. But for God. If I truly write for Him. If I truly write to draw near to Him and to glorify Him, than nothing else matters. All that other stuff – publication, winning contests, accolades, and praise- it’s all just details in the background of His magnificence.
I’m happy to say God has me in a very trusting, peaceful place right now. As Wendy Lawton would say, “It is what it is.” And, “I can only do what I can do.” I’m a working mother. That’s my reality right now. I can’t squeeze more hours out of the day. I can’t grow a money tree in my back yard. I can’t live off of five hours of sleep at night (this might have factored into my meltdown). If I can’t find happiness in my current situation, I don’t think I’ll ever find it. Miserable people are the ones who think happiness is hiding behind that next big break, and I refuse to be a miserable person.
God’s in control. I will write with whatever time He blesses me with. I will do my best. And I will leave the rest up to Him.
Question to Ponder: How’s your attitude these days?
As someone who has read part of your work, I can say that you need to toss out the inner critic. I think most writers have these moments–I know I do.
Satan definitely hits us when we're at our weakest. But I know I don't have to remind you that God is our strength. Turn a deaf ear to those negative thoughts and have a wonderful time at the conference.
I have to admit I also hope that your expectations aren't so high that you'll be disappointed if you don't find it a life-changing experience. It's a fantastic opportunity for learning, for being immersed in the company of like-minded people of all levels of ability, and for gaining renewed inspiration. Take in all it has to offer and I hope you'll return with renewed inspiration for your writing (and some agents' requests as well). Looking forward to hearing all about it. 🙂
Carol
Oh, how I loved this post … and can relate so well to it. So glad that you are at peace … and, you are a fantastic writer, so no worries!
Totally with you girl. For me, it's been, "You know someones gonna get sick and you wont' be able to go. You feel yucky, don't you. DON'T you… and here, look, your daughter just blew chuncks all over the floor… see? Stay home. You would only look like an amateur anyway and It'd only prove that you really are a crappy writer."
Yeah, um, I've prayed, sprayed some Zycam, cleaned up puke (she's feeling better thank GOD), and kicked Satan in the… well, where it hurts.
Because I'm going, dad gum it!
Flee, Satan, Flee!!! Be gone ye ole devil!
Whew! Sometimes that dude just doesn't like to leave. Don't I know it! Katie, I love your heart and your attitude and your honesty. Thanks for sharing your struggles, because all of us struggle and knowing there are others out there who feel the same is encouraging, to say the least.
I'm praying for you. Enjoy your time at the conference. God will lift you high.
Hey Terri – just to offer you a littel encouragement. From what little I read of your writing on Mary DeMuth's blog, I can say it's AWESOME! Satan truly is the master of lies. Don't believe a word he says to you! 🙂
I'm so glad you're working toward peace, Wendy! I hope you know how much I appreciate and value your prayers! I will be sure to share the details when I return!
Tabitha – discouragement has got to be one of the worst feelings. Thanks for your comment!
Hey Marybeth! I'm glad you're getting some encouragement. I pray God will bless you with direction as well!
Kristen – thanks SO much for the encouraging words! I can't wait to get to your blog and check out that video!
Thank for your encouragement, Cindy! I really appreciate your comment!! And I so much covet your prayers. Thanks a million!
Eileen – you are SO sweet! Thanks for the encouragement! I can't wait to meet you at the conference!!
Jeneatte – please know how much the title of your blog ministered to me on Friday. Your title, Audience of ONE, kept repeating through my head when I asked myself that question. I know I have this peace in my heart right now because that's where my focus is – on God, not on anything else. Thanks SO much for your encouragement and support!
Jessica – thanks for your comment! I can't wait to meet you in person!
Hey Jody! You are such an encouragement, girl! I so much appreciate your support. You have no idea how uplifting your writing journey has been to me these past couple days. It's SO darn uplifting and I believe God is using your success to bring joy to others! I can't wait to meet you! And if you have time, I'd love for you to take a look at my writing. Feedback from a PUBLISHED (the past tense -ed is just semantics, right?) is always invaluable. 🙂
Holly! I'm so glad used my words to minister to you!! And I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets sidetracked along this journey. Thanks for sharing your struggles in your comment. I'll pray for you!
Beth – you rock! 'Nuff said. 🙂
Thanks, Elana!!
I'll take a big cyber hug anyday, T. Anne! "God is bigger and better and always there, cling to Him." I want to ingrain this truth in my heart. 🙂
Big Cyber HUG! OXOX It's so real and I have often felt that attack myself. God is bigger and better and always there, cling to Him.
It's always good to recenter yourself and really evaluate why you're doing something. I have to remind myself of that every day. Good luck this week. 🙂
I'm so glad you've found that peace that only He can give you – you have prayer warriors on your side! 🙂 You will kick butt and take names (hopefully agents!) at the conference!!!
Thank you so much for this! It is what I needed today. I need to check my goals and make sure they are goals in faith and love for HIM and not for myself or money.
Whoa! The Lord spoke to me through you today! SO, you wrote for HIM today! God Bless you and enjoy the conference.
Katie, I haven't had the chance to read your writing yet. But from what I've learned about you, you are a hard worker and are trying very hard to improve your craft! You are right on track with what you need to be doing–so keep up the good fight! (And maybe if there's time at the conference I can take a peek at your writing too!)
Whew. What a post! I totally believe the devil painted that bullseye on your back. What a great way to put it. And what a sweet, wonderful husband you have!
Thank you for sharing this! I sure know that it's easy for me to get to that place of combustion and it's not pretty.
Thank you for the reminder of Who I write for. I hope I remember that with all the excitement of the conference going on. 🙂
Can't wait to meet you!
Dear Katie: I am so proud of you, and so is Jesus. He will honor your heart of love for Him.
I have been at this place where you were last week a hundred times. It always leads me to the same conclusion: God is the Audience of ONE we strive to please.
Now, go to that conference and have FUN!
Katie, let me reassure you that from what I read of your ms, you are a GREAT writer!!! So Satan, take that!!
I'm spoiled to be a stay-at-home mom now, but I wasn't always, so I know what you must be going through. I'm praying for you, Katie, for God-confidence to kick Satan's butt big time, and for you to gain much from this conference. After reading this post, I just want to take your hand and guide you to a little coffe shop and treat you to a latte or something else you might enjoy. Maybe I'll get a chance to do just that in Denver. I'll be praying for the opportunity!
Oh, Katie–Satan just loves to try to deceive us into thinking we're less than or we can't do it. I am so glad your hubby was there for you and you realize God is in control. There's a wealth of joy to be found in our current circumstances because it's right where God will have us (even when it feels really rough).
Remember you're not facing those bumps on your journey alone. I'll definitely pray for you.
Friend, I know that voice so well. But it NEVER tells the truth. You are a writer. You're created to be creative. You can and are doing this.
Attacks are never fun, but it looks like you are standing up even in the midst of it, that you are crouching behind that shield of faith. Way to go! Keep walking in faith, believing what God has said to you and over you. You're awesome and you can do this!
There's a video on my blog today that you might like. I hope it really blesses you. Have a great day!
Honestly….attitude…kinda below average. I'm just feeling a bit lost and not knowing where to turn next. So quite frustrated.
I've had some encouragement so it is starting to lift a bit, but I"m trying to figure things out.
I'm so glad you are back in a better place. I'm really hope you snag an agent at this conference. You totally deserve it!
Okay, Katie, I so understand this post. I know all about the discouragement, especially right before something big is about to happen. Hugs to you. I love what you said about writing for God. I think sometimes I need to remind myself of this very fact. 🙂
Working toward peace. I believe you'll do wonderfully at that conference. Must hear details upon your return! 😀
~ Wendy
Amen! I have had similar moments. Having them now when I am thinking of this querying process, Lots and lots of self-doubts and have to remind myself often why I write and who for!have a blast at that conference!