Call me old fashioned. Call me archaic. But when it comes to dating, I think the man should pursue the woman. I think, deep down, every woman wants to be pursued.
In high school, I was way too eager to date. Way too eager to be liked by boys. Anytime one showed interest, I’d quickly turn into that girl. The one who called too much, hoping the boy didn’t have caller ID. The one who expended way too much emotion and energy trying to figure out if the guy liked me back.
Sigh.
I wish I could go back to that silly girl, put my hands on her shoulders, look into her eyes, and say, “Stop. Please.”
Thankfully, in college, things changed. I met this really awesome girl. She taught me the art of being pursued. And I’m not talking about hard-to-get. I’m talking about old-fashioned romance. Where the man courts the girl. Where the man takes the initiative. Where the man has to work a little.
It was right around this time that a very cute guy dropped into my world. I decided to take a page out of my friend’s book.
On our first date, we talked about silly things. Like if we believed in ghosts. Random, I know. When the date ended, I refused to ask if I’d see him again. I said goodbye. He said goodbye. I really liked him. But I had no idea if he really liked me.
Until he called the next day. To ask me on another date. Any insecurity I might have felt. Any confusion over whether he liked me or not. Disappeared. Because he was the one calling me. He was the one asking me out. I don’t think I finally called him until our fifth or sixth date.
And guess what?
I’ve been married to my cute guy for a little over seven years.
Despite today’s culture, where it’s just as acceptable for a woman to ask for a guy’s digits, I still stand by my old-fashioned claim. Let the man do the pursuing. In both fiction and real life. If for no other reason than it’s incredibly romantic.
Let’s Talk: What are your thoughts? Do you think the man should do the pursuing? When it comes to novels and movies, do you feel the same way? If you’re married – what’s your story? Who did the pursuing?
I’m over at Deana Barnhart’s blog today doing an interview. I’d love for you to stop by if you get a chance!
Mary, I hear what you're saying. But actually, my husband is quite shy. Shy guys like to pursue too – at least my husband did. And when I say pursue, I mean he's the one who called me and asked me on dates. When he did, I made it very obvious that I was into him.
Paul – you're right. Shy guys are a GREAT catch! My hubby's shy. 🙂
Speaking as a shy guy, we are a *very* good catch :-p
Reminds me of Pride and Prejudice, specifically Jane and Mr. Bingley. Mr. Bingley did the pursuing, but then let his sister and Darcy convince him to go away, because Jane didn't give him enough hints that she liked him.
I agree with you Paul – a simple, "I like you" does go a long way! And doesn't mean the woman is pursuing the man. If I never would have let Ryan (my hubs) know in the beginning that I was enjoying his company and that I liked him, he probably would have lost the nerve to keep calling and asking me out on dates.
I have reservations about the whole process. I think women and men need to let their feelings be known. Sure, it's all "Cinderella" to be pursued, searched for, but that's a fairy tale. In real life, the shy guy, might be the best match.
I admit, that's something I'd be worried about, Carol. It doesn't all have to be games and trick to make a man give chase. Like I said, we're pretty thick when it comes to the first stages of dating. A simple "I like you" can go a long way 😉
Of course, that's for real life. In romance fiction, you need something to cause tension and uncertainty for the reader.
I understand the concept of pursuit seeming romantic, but I'm afraid I'm with Paul on this one. If there was any game plan at all then I'd feel the relationship was contrived, and that would kill it for me. Fortunately for the readers of romance novels, not everyone feels like I do. 🙂
Totally agree Katie. Much prefer to be pursued and think its a man's job.
Having said that, I relentlessly pursued my husband. Was it my fault that he had no foresight? I was clearly the woman of his dreams! He totally sees the error of his ways now 🙂
I'm old fashioned. I want to be pursued. . .and begged a little. 😉
I think if men and women didn't have that sense of uncertainty about who wanted what from a given encounter, those initial stages of romance would get dull very quickly.
Paul – your last question there made me chuckle. It's definitely a good one! 🙂
Paul – your last question there made me chuckle. It's definitely a good one! 🙂
I think men are instinctively more proactive when they see someone they're attracted to. But speaking as a man, I've never had a problem with a woman who was forward. Some guys are shy, and just need some moment to bring them out of their shell. We're a bit thick when it comes to realising girls are interested, really. :-p
It's funny though, to say women prefer being pursued, and then talk about a "game-plan." Who's really doing the pursuing? 😉
I was raised to be the girl who waited to be pursued, not the other way around. In middle & high school, my parents wouldn't even let me call boys! I didn't understand it at the time, but I appreciate it now. That game-plan snagged me a hubby too! 🙂
I think men WANT to be the pursuer. Men want to have that control, they like the chase. It's part of their nature. When we take that away, we change the dynamics of the relationship.
Great post!
Great Post! I'm all for old-fashioned romance! And you're both adorable! 😀
You made a great point actually – you began to feel empowered and rather than chase after the guy you were calm and yourself and exuded a positive energy that was attractive.
cheers!
Joanna D'Angelo
I've loved reading these comments! Love hearing everybody's romance stories.
Jessica – how your husband treats your daughter has to be one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard in my life.
Oh, yes, I agree; the man should be the pursuer.
In our case, Kevin pursued me, but I hinted a lot about that diamond ring! It worked for us; we've been married 36 years.
I perfer the man to persue! Mine did me although he waited two weeks to call me!! Then he was two hours late for our first date! But here we are, 34 years later:)
I think every successful relationship I know of came about from the guy at least making that initial first move. I'm odd though in that my wife and I didn't go on our first date until about 2 weeks after we got together, when I took a chance. We were at college and she was sitting up on a railing, with me helping her balance (she's a wheelchair-user) while hanging out with our friends. We'd met two days before and spent the whole day talking, missing lectures. We had our arms around each other and I caught her eye. I figured I'd take a chance, so I slowly leaned in and kissed her.
We've been together ever since, but I think it was still another 2 weeks before we actually had a real date.
I think every relationship is unique. Every couple will find each other in a different way, and grow into the relationship differently. That's the most amazing thing about romance.
I agree! Men should be the pursuers. It completely takes away all the girly insecurities that we women have…like you mentioned. And if I read a book or see a movie where this is flipped, I don't like it as much. Something feels off.
Have a great weekend!
This is a great post! Thank you so much for sharing. As a romance writer who is single, I've found myself in disagreement with novels where the women seem to do the pursuing. In the CBA, it doesn't happen as much, but there is the occasional exception. I think my biggest problem with the CBA romances is the "missionary dating"–when the woman seemingly encourages being pursed by a guy who is unsaved in the hopes of helping him know Jesus. When the guy wants a more serious relationship she says no for the same reason she encouraged his pursuit. But once he gets saved, all is well. As someone who is single, I'm not sure if I could ever marry a guy who just got saved. It would be hard to put myself under the leadership of someone who hasn't had time to become a stronger person in the Lord. I'd need see his strength in the Lord to help evaluate if I want to marry him.
Ah, the pursuing! YES! I want to be pursued. My husband drove me nuts (in a good way) possible borderline stalking…;)
This is something my husband, as well as myself, is teaching my daughter. He takes her on father/daughter dates (she's almost 13) and brings her flowers, tells her she's beautiful and has put BAN on her texting boys.
Because I believe, like him, we're made to be pursued, wooed, and romanced. God made us that way. He pursued us first! And that makes me swoon!
What a lovely photograph!
In a perfect world, a man should do the pursuing. In the real world, I don't know how my other half and I ever got together as we were both adamant we weren't interested in a relationship. Yet here we are, almost five years later…
What a cute couple!
While I love the old-fashioned, romantic notion of the guy doing the pursuing, that's not how my husband and I did things. We hung out in a group of friends, and gradually began to like each other. So, b/c of my experience, the guy doing the pursuing (in novels or movies) doesn't always feel realistic to me. However…I do understand the sweetness and appeal of being pursued. And now, as a mom, it's something I've talked with my daughter about.
Barb
Loving all these comments. And just to clarify – it's not our anniversary today. That was in June. I was just mentioning that we've been married for seven years. I think I'll change it to "a little over seven years". 🙂
Happy Anniversary! 7 Years! 😀
I'm a big believer in the man doing the pursuing. And the gal should run just fast enough to be caught. 😀
When I was 19, I worked as a waitress during the summer in a family-style restaurant. A hot Marine walked in and snatched my breath from my chest. That Marine and I were pen pals for 2 months (days before email) and when he came home on leave, we began dating. That Marine showed his romantic side and wooed me. We've been married for 22 years in October. He raised the bar for romance and our two boys must show the same respect and wooing to their future wives.
Congratulations on your 7 years, Katie. I hope you have 70 more together.
I'm old fashioned as well. At least in that respect. My hubs definitely pursued (despite me telling him that I wasn't interested, and the fact that I lived 3000 miles away).
In stories, I think I prefer the guy who pursues as well. Or a relationship that comes out of friendship or shared experience. I don't think I've read a female character that did the pursuing that I enjoyed (I'm sure it can be done…I just haven't read it done well)
Seven years!
Woo Hoo! Such a sweet picture!
There's something beautiful about a man pursuing the woman. And I say as long as he's not pursuing a gaggle of women (I know, women aren't grouped in gaggles…I'm having fun here) it's okay by me.
I'm getting so old I can't even remember if I did the pursuing with boyfriends or what. My husband pursued me. That's all I remember (my story & I'm stickin' to it). 😀
Happy 4th! (Yep, one of those wackadoo moods today. Lookout!)
~ Wendy
I'm like you in that I love it when man does the pursuing, but if the writer's good, it's sweet the other way, too. Sometimes the man needs a little saving of his own.
I totally didn't even answer that question, did I?