Parenting isn’t hard. Good parenting is hard.
Seriously, it is hard work to be a good parent. It’s much easier to let the kid rip apart the bookshelf while I go about my writing. It’s much easier to clean up the mess he made because it’s faster that way. It’s much easier to give him what he wants to stop that horrible, awful, ear-splitting whine.
How can such a horrendous noise come out of the same kid who has the most endearing, contagious belly-laugh?
I have no idea.
I just know that lately, I’ve felt like a not-so-great mom. My son, love him to death, is a tester. And he’s been testing every single boundary I lay down while I grow more and more short-tempered and impatient.
I don’t want to be this way.
I’d prefer to feel much less like this:
And much more like this:
Hubs recently read this great article in Reader’s Digest about how whether we mean to or not, we all create a culture in our home.
Yikes!
Ryan and I asked ourselves: What kind of culture are we creating?
We didn’t like our answer. We were unintentionally creating an impatient, way-too-many-chances culture that was teaching our son he didn’t have to listen the first time and he had the power to drive Mommy and Daddy whackadoo (in the wise words of Becky Houk).
We needed to fix this, and fix it fast. Hence, the plan. I like me a good plan.
Here are some tips on intentional parenting from a woman who’s struggling to be intentional:
Step away from the child.
I had to remove myself from the moment and the frustration and ask myself how I was contributing to the problem. The answer wasn’t pretty. I soon discovered I was the problem.
Look to the future.
What do you want your children to be like when they are older? Ryan and I want our son to be respectful, responsible, obedient, and independent. We also wrote down a whole bunch of other traits, but got to feeling overwhelmed. Which leads me to my third point…
Less is more.
Eat the elephant one bite at a time, as they say. If Ryan and I tried to focus on every single quality we want to foster in our little guy, we’d become overwhelmed and give up altogether. So from our list, we circled four that were very important to us.
Come up with action points.
We knew what we wanted to encourage in our child. The next step was asking how we were going to do it. What rules and practices were we going to lay down in our house to help our son understand and develop these traits? We came up with four or five simple action points that we are going to focus on over the next couple months.
All of this calmed me down and helped me focus.
It also gave me some perspective. I’m not a hopeless parent and my son isn’t an evil spawn. He’s a pretty wonderful kid. Quick to smile and laugh. He’s just a typical toddler. And I’m a typical mommy who has her typical frustrating days.
Let’s Talk: What parenting books do you recommend? Ryan and I would like to read one together – preferably geared toward raising young children. How do you deal with your kids when they are being naughty and you are feeling increasingly frustrated?
We have four littles (ages 16 months to seven years) and so we have been through these stages you're dealing with non-stop for the past while.
When we had our first daughter, I read every parenting book I could get my hands on. And don't get me wrong, there were many wonderful ones. (I personally love Dr. James Dobson especially). But overall, I would say constant prayer and a close marriage (which you obviously have) are the best tools for raising happy and healthy children.
I wish I never screamed, but I do. I wish I never cried, but I do. But I also love my kids more than anything. I try to keep in mind that tomorrow's another day, and these kids are only on loan to me from Heavenly Father.
Good luck!
It's official. You're a totally normal parent and you're raising a totally normal child! 😉 No child is perfect and well-behaved all the time. Every child will try to test the boundaries; that's all part of maturing and trying to find your own way.
I didn't read parenting books. I belong to an internet group of moms that all were due to have babies in April 1997. That group was my hive mind. If I had a question, I threw it out the group and experienced moms shared their thoughts on it and we all learned together. That was better than any parenting book. Trust the hive mind. Not every viewpoint will mesh with yours, but some will and you can take away from it what works for you.
For us, timeouts worked well. Also the concept of counting slowly to three. But carry through is crucial. If your son knows that you're not serious about consequences, then he's essentially in charge, not you. To this day, at 14 and 16, if my kids see me silently counting to 3 on my fingers (we got to the silent system at some point), they move it. Now this doesn't happen very often and more times than not now I'm just kidding and they know it. But it goes to show that a system like that can really work if you are consistent.
Good luck!
I like Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and I also like the Growing Kid's God's Way series by the Ezzos
Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp has been my favorite parenting book. It really focuses on having the right heart attitude when you discipline and when your child responds.
It's great because it makes parenting so much more than "Say this, and the kids will do that."
What a wonderful, thought provoking post. I get lost in writer land or cleaning land too often, and before I know it, my precious boys have torn apart the house and don't want to clean any of their mess up.
Oh my gosh! You are so in my head right now! My youngest of three is 2…enough said. He is a "tester" as well with this amazing vocal ability to make the loudest, most annoyingly, ear-piercing screech I have ever heard. Should I place him in time-out? Of course! Does that happen all that often? No. I too need to become the Super Mommy who knows how to deal with these episodes without blowing my top. You would think that the third time around I would have perfected such skills, but it looks like that hasn't happened.
I, too get overwhelmed when I read parenting articles that make me realize how much I need to improve upon my parenting skills (or else my children might end up in bright orange jumpsuits with only me to blame). Ok, maybe it's not that bad but seriously, that's how I feel sometimes. Oy!
First time reader. Great post and great blog!
Jenny Lee Sulpizio
Author of "Mommy Whispers"
http://www.jennysulpizio.com
Oh Katie, I am SO there with you! (My Top 5 list this week is proof.) 🙂
I've really enjoyed the guidance in the Toddlerwise, Preschoolwise, and Childwise books. They're part of the BabyWise family, if you've ever heard of it.
And an ESSENTIAL book for moms is She's Gonna Blow by Julie Ann Barnhill. It doesn't tell us so much how to parent as how to keep ourselves calm in the midst of parenting. Because even the calmest person (me) can blow it when my 3-year-old pushes my buttons. 🙂 I'm two-thirds through the book and have felt such a huge difference in how I talk to and care for my kids. Even though it's written for moms, I've thought about passing it on to my husband…The principles apply to both moms and dads.
How awesome that you and Ryan are working together! I'm praying for you, my friend. If you ever need to vent to a fellow SAHM, let me know. 🙂
Take the B-man, multiply him by 4, add an infant and welcome to my day. 🙂
He's at that age where he wants to be independent but needs to rely on you to still meet his needs. Testing boundaries is a part of a child's development.
I deal with many personalities in my home on a daily basis. Each child is unique in the way he or she develops and grows. What works for one child may not work for another. The key is to remain consistent for that child. Praise the B-man when you see him doing something the first time.
Every mother on the planet has lost patience with her child, whether or not she wants to admit to it. No one likes to be seen as a cranky mom, but it's human nature.
I have books written by Dr. Kevin Leman–How to Behave So Your Kids Will (or something like that), Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson, Making the Terrible Twos Terrific by Dr. John Townsend. All have nuggets of wisdom in them. Find what works for your family.
I really appreciate your transparency, Katie. Great post. It will get better. Promise. 🙂
Rule of thumb: If I can't do it, my children cannot. If I cannot sit on the table at a restaurant, they cannot either and so on.
I often give myself time out to make sure I do not step all over someone else.
When my daughters were little, I used Dare to Discipline. Excellent and to the point.
My kids are no longer small. I remember those days though…
My hubby and I call that time our cocooning time. We were blessed that I was able to stay home when they were small.
Children watch us much more than we think. We as parents need to set good examples and gently guide them along – Not always easy when they are wailing…but with patience, lots of love and understanding…soon the butterfly will emerge.
I've raised three awesome kids who have chosen career paths that are taking them out into the world to help people.
My favorite parenting book is Proverbs! No, not "spare the rod, spoil the child." Although, I think our kids need guidance and I'm not so sure that verse means spanking as much as it means, rod ie…shepherd staff, which was used to push forward, pull back, and protect.
My son is a wailer. Ugh. I used to give in to him all the time because it was easier. One morning the Lord told me I was making things harder for Him. Harder for the Lord?
Yep, because if I always let my son have what he wanted (which I did) then he wasn't going to respond well when the Lord told him "no" later on in his life.
I don't want my son or my daughter having spiritual tantrums like I do at times. So I work hard at trying to be a good parent, but like you said. It ain't easy!
Great post!
Oh yes, I've been there. And I'm so glad you and your husband are intelligent enough to put your heads together and work as a team! THAT is what makes parenting successful. Well, that and a ton of prayer! 🙂
When my son was little, I thought I was seriously doing something wrong because parenting advice in books and magazines NEVER EVER worked. Turned out I had a child on the autism spectrum with convoluted emerging language, and all those books were aimed at parents of neuro-typical children. If anyone reading your post today has a child who is easily frustrated and often explosive, I recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. That book gave me perspective on my parenting choices and equipped me to believe I knew my child better than anyone else. Sometimes what I chose looked spineless to parents of typically-developing children, but I knew it was part of a bigger, longer term strategy.
When I find myself growing frustrated with my kids, especially when they were little, it was because I realized I was training them to third and fourth time obedience instead of first time obedience. I found myself yelling at them to get them to obey, because they knew I didn't really mean it until I was yelling. I'd be exhausted by nightfall, and everyone was frazzled. Then we'd pull in the reins, enforce first time obedience with appropriate consequences, and things would smooth out.
I'm a fan of the principles taught in Cloud and Townsend's Boundaries for Kids.
http://www.cloudtownsendstore.com/bowikibo1.html There's also a workbook, but I haven't seen that one.
Love all these book suggestions! Can't wait to look them up and choose one or two to read! Thanks!
Been there! You and Ryan are so smart to communicate about how to raise your kids. I'm a firm believer that having both parents with the same goal is very important.
My favorite parenting book is Raising Your Spirited Child. It's a must read for all parents. Practical advice with the emphasis on not expecting life, our kids, or our parenting to be perfect.
You're an amazing mom, Katie! Keep doing what you're doing!
Oh, you are so wise, Katie and Ryan. Start this when he's young and you won't have big heartaches later on.
My fave books are The Key to Your Child's Heart by Gary Smalley and Children are Wet Cement by Ann Ortlund.
I did a ton of praying too, which I'm sure you do! That helped the most–getting the Big Guy involved, and listening for His wisdom. Sometimes He has surprising advice!
Hugs for encouragement and prayers for guidance,
Jen
Love and Logic is good and Teaching your Children Values by Richard and Linda Eyre, but I think my favorite is a book called Chirstlike parenting by Glenn I Latham.
Boy, is my 3yo testing boundaries too… I needed this post as a reminder. Thanks!
It is great that you recognize an improvement and have implemented a plan to address the behavior issues.
I have found that my parenting ability is overly influenced by how much sleep I get–too little and I overly identify with your intro that I will more than likely let things go that should be taken care of.
Love love love!!! What I love most about this is that you and Ryan are doing it together– which is the most important thing. Both parents, equally involved and agreeing on goals and discipline!
I've also been here, by the way. Times 2. Starting NOW and setting clear boundaries and expectations is perfect. We have also focused on obeying the first time. Yet, even after all the plans, chore charts, rewards, and clear punishments, I still occasionally feel like the frazzled screamer and not Super Nanny. 🙂 Notice that Super Nanny doesn't have to live with the kids. She can set up a discipline plan and LEAVE.
Good books: Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman (this one really changed the way I was thinking and how I focused during a teachable moment) and Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. There's a great chapter in there for dads.
I don't read parenting books, but my pastor does.
http://smalltownpastor.wordpress.com/
You could search his sight for some good ones he's reviewed. He's always telling me about some.
What I do read is John Rosemond's column. It's usually in our paper, but you can also read his columns on his website. I like his approach to discipline.
I stopped reading parenting books because they all give this formula for great obedient kids and it never worked for me. So the two things I believe in are teachable moments and treating children how you'd like to be treated if you've done something wrong – with respect. Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done but the biggest blessing too!
Time out was a great concept not only for my girlies, but for me. It gave me a time to step back, breathe, and then I was ready to try again. With little ones it's all about repetition. In some book or someone told me set the Time Out timer for one minute for each year of a child's age.