Somebody told me once that chivalry is dying.
It made me sad.
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So sad, in fact, that every year as a 5th grade teacher, I would introduce this word to my class and encourage it in the boys. Maybe that’s not kosher, seeing as I taught in a public school. Maybe some people think it isn’t any of my business to teach this concept to my students. But I couldn’t help myself. I want young boys to know this word. I want young girls to know this word.
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I want my son to know this word.
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I want him to grow into a young man who opens doors for women. Who carries their bags, and pulls out their chairs, and gives up his seat, and offers his arm when the sidewalk gets slippery. I want him to grow into a young man who respects and protects his female counterparts.
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Every Wednesday night, I get to hang out with junior high kids at my church. A few months ago, we went through a whole series on dating, and one of the messages went like this:
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Girls, you are a princess of the King. Guard your purity.
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Boys, you are a prince of the King. Protect the princesses.
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I loved that message. I wanted to record it and save it for my son.
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Protect the princesses.
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Maybe that’s not a popular message these days. But it sure is a beautiful one.
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In real life and in fiction.
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Let’s Talk: Do you think chivalry is dying? Why? Do you find chivalry to be an attractive, admirable trait in men? If you have a son, do you try to teach him to be chivalrous? If so, how do you do it?
I don't think it's a matter of weak or strong, but of honor, cherishing, and respect. My late husband encouraged, protected, and loved me.
By the same token, I respected him, stood by him, and let him lean on me when he was ill.
Katie,
Last week, while I was with a huge group of teenagers, we were eating at the food court of a restaurant and one of the boys got up and started walking from table to table picking all the trash. He started with the girls around him and then took some from the adults sitting nearby as well. Next thing I knew, he was bussing tables for some of the other adults around us that weren't even with our group.
So I would say chivalry is surviving and it's so delightful to see!
Krista – I love your point. That it isn't a sign that women are weak, but a sign of men respecting women. I love that. I think it's good, when we teach our boys chivalry, to teach them this as well. They don't open doors and such for women because women are weak, but because Jesus Christ came as a servant King and they are to be servants too.
You go girl! Preach!
LOVE THIS!!!! I had a college course onetime (sociocultural diversity…) where the professor said that men opening the door for women was a sign that they felt the women were too weak to do it themselves, thus was a bad thing.
Um… NO. When a servent opens a door for a king or a queen… it is a sign of reverence and honor. Sure, I'm positive tehre are men out there that DO think that way, but geez…
anyway, I don't have boys… but I intent my girls to be strong women of God yet know how to pick a man who will cherish her and protect her, too!
Thanks for bringing this up Katie. I think that chivalry is not expected and therefore a lot of boys and young men aren't seeing it. You don't see it very often in the movies anymore either.
I have been trying hard to teach my fourteen year old son to be a gentleman around his sisters. Most of the time it seems to backfire. I haven't made him do these things like opens doors, offer the girls to enter before him, allow the girls to go first for food etc. However your post has inspired me to be more diligent. If I don't teach him – who will.
At our Youth group the youth pastor always says ladies first – to line up for food, get off the bus, collect an item. It bothered me because the boys would grumble and complain and the youth pastor would say to the grumbler, 'just do it.' One day I asked him if he ever told the kids why and he said 'no. my mom just always told me to do it.' That made me more sad.
But it is not a losing battle by the looks of all the comments on here!
A huge kudos to the men out there still willing to be old-fashioned and archaic! Keep it up Men of Faith! We need you!
Katie this is so gorgeous! I have a son also, and (mostly) because of my husband,he is turning into a fine man (or boy, since he's 2 and a half). He calls me his princessth (lisp) and already is protective of me. It may be a little archaic, since women these days can look after themselves, but it's always nice when you've got someone to do it for you. Great post!
I've loved reading these comments! Hope everyone is having a great Friday!
My two boys are 20 and 17. They see a happy, affectionate relationship between my husband and me. My boys are taught to honor women and to respect themselves. My older son is a gentleman with his girlfriend. His mama raised him right. My younger son doesn't have a GF yet, but when it's time, he will show the same respectful behavior.
I'm so grateful that my four-year-old son is learning to be chivalrous from my husband. And, it helps that my son loves anything and everything about doors – including opening them for people! 🙂
This is a wonderful post.
I think that chivalry isn't dead…it's just sometimes forgotten in this modern world.
My son is a PRINCE. He's always been a good kid with girls. My hubby and I taught him that lesson early on. Since grade school, we told him, ALWAYS be polite and courteous to girls…NO MATTER WHAT, and NEVER EVER hit a female.
He's in college now. I've seen him be courteous and polite to his dates. He opens doors for me and other woman who are around. He has sisters (who he adores and is very close with) so he understands women a lot better than men who weren't raised around woman. I think that gives him a slight advantage.
I also believe some kids mimick what they see in their own homes. If dad isn't respecting mom…well, you get the idea. Boys need a strong role model to show them how to be a hero, but also treat a lady like a princess.
The best thing we can do as mothers of boys is to teach it to them and show it as a treasure. Their future wives will appreciate it if no one else does. :O)
(If it wasn't evident, my hubby has taught my son a lot. My hubby is incredibly chivalrous–even after almost a decade of marriage, he opens my doors for me, carries my packages, etc. He's such an awesome example–our sons and daughters really need awesome examples of how to give and accept chivalry.)
That quote sounds like what I was told in youth group way back when. 😉 I don't think chivalry is dying. I don't know if it's as common as it once was, but I see it all around me.
My son opens doors for girls–and when he, my daughter, and I are going anywhere, he runs ahead to open both of our car doors. If I'm giving something to him and my daughter and I hand it to him first, he hands it to her to make sure she gets it first. I think chivalry is still very important.
Erica, you make me laugh! 🙂
About two years ago my hubby started having our little guy help him open doors for myself and his sisters. It was so cute because most of the time, he wasn't able to budge the heavy doors but he kept trying. Now that he's 6, if I try to open a door by myself he'll run ahead of me and say something like, "no, mom. I got it."
As parents we definitely need to teach and encourage chivalry and respect in our little ones.
Great conversation here today, Katie!
I've taught this to my son to the extent that when my daughter and I go shopping alone, when we get to a door, we both kinda look at each other with an 'I know we opened doors before James was old enough to do it for us, but I can't remember how' expression. 🙂
What I really love is how James has moved from opening doors for his mom and sister because he has to, to opening doors for ladies because it's ingrained in him.
Yay for chivalry!
Paul – I love that! Those are great thoughts.
Wendy – that is awesome!
Kelly – that is the sweetest thing, what your dad does!
Janey – I loved reading your thoughts. And I agree with a lot of what you said. I love the golden rule. When I taught the word chivalry to my students, I didn't stress that only boys should open doors for girls. I stressed that everyone should open doors. That if they see an elderly person struggling with a bag, they should offer to help.
You bring up an excellent point about purity. Thankfully, our junior high director is awesome and also included that boys need to guard their purity as well. He just challenged them one step further.
Here's reality: A lot of boys look at girls lustfully. And a lot of girls think a boy will like them more if they give themselves physically. This is what I see in our youth today. This is what I experienced in high school growing up.
Our Jr. high pastor was encouraging the boys to not only guard their purity, but to fight against a culture that tells them being cool means getting laid (sorry). Instead of making that their goal, why don't they make protecting the purity of their female peers a priority?
Doing that – taking up that challenge – does not mean boys aren't allowed to have weaknesses. Quite the opposite. It encourages them to acknowledge and know their weaknesses. Pretending they don't exist or expecting them not to be there is a very unfair, damaging, and self-defeating practice.
Something I would hope never to teach my son.
I like what Paul said: I think there is still a place for chivalry in a world where men and women can be equals.
I appreciate a man who (yes, first and foremost, treats ALL humans respectfully) but also has a desire to extend some extra courtesy toward women. That might be extremely old-fashioned, but I can't help myself. I like me a chivalrous man. 🙂
I agree that we should all treat one another with respect, regardless of gender. However I have another thing to add to this.
At its core, chvalry is a very easy thing for children to understand. Boys learn that real men treat women with respect. Girls learn that they shouldn't let men treat them badly. This simple idea can grow into an understanding of the need for respect in all aspects of life. We teach children to say please and thank you, not because those exact words are important, but because it's important for the child to develop the understanding of how important showing gratitude and politeness are in life. It's simple steps.
If we give children the foundation of how real men should act, they are better able to share that behaviour with others, regardless of gender differences. At least, that's what I feel.
I rarely see boys acting chivalrous. But I love it. My husband has always been this way. Most of my friends who have children my son's age happen to have little girls. We always teach Myles about being a gentleman and he knows what it means. We make sure he treats his sister with respect. Okay let me back the bus up, we TRY to make sure he treats his sister with respect. I don't think he sees her as a real girl!
It's tough, but if we're to teach them to be like Jesus, then we must teach them chivalry. I love "guarding the princesses." That's awesome!
You know, I was ironing the other day thinking back to one of my homecoming dances. I went with a boy I didn't like like as in like. But he made a great impression on me at the end of the evening. We had to walk across a field (I forget why) and my heels kept sinking in the grass. He took his own shoes off and let me wear them.
Maybe I should have considered dating that guy. 😉
All ended well regardless.
~ Wendy
I have to say, I don't agree. Men should not open doors for women: human being should open doors for each other. Stronger people should protect weaker people. There are times when a woman is vulnerable and then her friends, male and female, can let her share their strength. There are times when a man is vulnerable and he ought to be able to share his male and female friends' strength too.
No woman should expect to be treated with compassion, courtesy and dignity because she is a woman but because she is human, and she should treat other humans as she would like to be treated and have the manners to hold the door open if she happens to reach it first.
This is about being a decent human being and nothing to do with being male and female.
As for the purity thing, I understand why it's coming up in the context of church, and I don't disagree with it per se, but… why are only girls told to be guard their purity?
This seems to tie in to the notion above of women as vulnerable and in need of assistance and protection and men as strong and able to provide it. This is unfair to both men and women, as it puts undue pressure on men to hide weakness and removes 50% of the population (i.e. women) from the list of people they can turn to when in need; and it gives women far too little credit for being able to look after themselves, and their male friends and family, when they need it.
I love that statement: "protect the princesses" ^_^
My hubby is such a prince to me. He opens doors (in fact, if I try to open the car door first he locks the car so I can't :P), he makes sure he always walks on the outside to protect me, and he's just all around awesome 🙂
So chivalry isn't dying yet. At least not in the people I chose to let into my princess-y life 😉
I love chivalry. Nothing gets my hackles up like seeing a girl upset over something. I think there's still a place for chivalry in a world where men and women can be equals.
I am a huge fan of chivalry. In fact, I noticed while editing recently that my male characters are constantly opening doors for my female characters, as it should be…even if one of them is a murderer. He can still have good manners,right?
I have lived in the south my whole life, so I think it is more expected here than in other parts of the country.
As a high school teacher, I can tell you that I still see it in my students. I would say the majority of my male students open doors or will rush to take something heavy.
Love the quote. I have girls and one of them will completely agree she is the princess:)
I do think it is… but only because our boys aren't being taught about chivalry. The book Wild at Heart talks about how men are designed to be chivalrous but society kind of strips them of it.
LOVE this! We did a series on dating last year with my high schoolers too, but this quote was not part of it. I'm SO going to use it! When I taught 5th grade, I talked about this word as well (lucky for me, we were studying Knights and castles, etc.). I have three sons and I'm already trying to teach my 5 year old this stuff. A big one for me is that the guy walk on the street side of the sidewalk near the cars. My dad still does this if we are out walking. He'll switch sides.
I don't have a son, but I teach my daughters that every single person in this world has the right to expect – and receive – good manners. I also tell them that even if they don't receive them, they shouldn't stop giving them.
"Protect the princesses." I love that. What a great message for the generation of boys we're raising. I also hope my son can learn to be chivalrous by watching his dad.