Yesterday, I had lunch with six women.
It was a visionary lunch. A fellowship lunch. A let’s-be-real-and-share-our-struggles kind of lunch.
As one friend shared about the hard season she’d come from and this new season God was leading her into, I was struck with a realization I hadn’t yet put into words.
She said that for so long, she was numb. She had walls up around her heart that she didn’t know were up, and God was finally starting to break them. Her heart was soft and pliable.
And as she talked, this giant, unexpected lump rose in my throat. Because y’all, I’m where she was. I was sitting amidst these amazing women of God, in this visionary meeting of the minds, ready to talk about ministry and womanhood and Jesus, our champion, and all I could think was that I was numb.
JESUS, who SAVED my SOUL, who rescued me from myself, who rose from the grave, who promises VICTORY and GLORY to all who believe in Him and yet …
You want to know the great thing about being with Jesus-loving, authenticity-minded women?
I could tell them the truth.
Hi, I’m Katie. I love Jesus. But I’m not feeling it.
There are all these things I know in my head.
I know God is good. (Because there have been seasons in my life when I’ve experienced His goodness profoundly.)
I know God is ENOUGH. (Because when my world has fallen apart, or when my hopes have crumbled into ash, or when my expectations and my reality might as well exist on opposite poles, He. Has. Been. He has been more than enough. I know it from the soles of my feet to the crown of my head.)
But sometimes knowing these things, sometimes even experiencing these things, doesn’t help when you’re struggling with the emotions of the moment.
Thank God, truth does not rest on emotion.
He is good, even when life feels blah.
He is present, even when He seems silent.
He is faithful, even when we aren’t. Even when little-old-me is sitting here not wanting to go to Him.
He still loves me.
And get this.
His grace is sufficient, even when that grace doesn’t move us to awe. <–Click to Tweet
Can I tell you how utterly scandalous that feels to type? Because if His grace isn’t moving me to awe, then something is SERIOUSLY wrong.
That’s just the thing, though. Something is!
Something is seriously wrong with all of us.
We’re all completely messed up, and yet His grace covers it.
I can try to muster up the awe. I can try to fill up my heart. Make it not numb.
But it won’t last.
Because I can’t fix me.
So instead of striving to fix things I can’t, I’m going to ABIDE with the One who CAN.
Maybe some mornings, all that’s going to look like is me sitting with my cup of coffee and my open Bible, with nothing to say.
Maybe some mornings, the only prayer I’ll be able to mutter is, “Show me your goodness.”
Maybe that’s a selfish prayer, I don’t know. That’s another thing I’ve been struggling with. He says to ask. But sometimes I’m not sure if I’m asking for the right things. But you know what? I’m just gonna go ahead and ask anyway, because He calls Himself ABBA, which means daddy, and all the good daddies I know never get mad at their children for asking, and since He’s not just good, but PERFECT, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say He doesn’t get mad at us for asking for things either.
So there you go.
As I abide in Him during this season, I am going to pray that He’ll show me His goodness.
Whatever that looks like. I want to see it. Like, off-the-hook see it. This year, in 2015, I want to see His goodness in the land of the living. I want Him to pour out His love in a way that far exceeds anything I could ever ask or imagine. I want Him to show it to me in tangible ways. I don’t just want to be wooed (He’s always wooing us), I want to be undeniably, can’t-escape-it, He’s-after-me-and-won’t-give-up pursued.
That’s my word for 2015.
That’s my prayer for 2015.