Yesterday, I had lunch with six women.
It was a visionary lunch. A fellowship lunch. A let’s-be-real-and-share-our-struggles kind of lunch.
As one friend shared about the hard season she’d come from and this new season God was leading her into, I was struck with a realization I hadn’t yet put into words.
She said that for so long, she was numb. She had walls up around her heart that she didn’t know were up, and God was finally starting to break them. Her heart was soft and pliable.
And as she talked, this giant, unexpected lump rose in my throat. Because y’all, I’m where she was. I was sitting amidst these amazing women of God, in this visionary meeting of the minds, ready to talk about ministry and womanhood and Jesus, our champion, and all I could think was that I was numb.
JESUS, who SAVED my SOUL, who rescued me from myself, who rose from the grave, who promises VICTORY and GLORY to all who believe in Him and yet …
Numb.
You want to know the great thing about being with Jesus-loving, authenticity-minded women?
I could tell them the truth.
Hi, I’m Katie. I love Jesus. But I’m not feeling it.
There are all these things I know in my head.
I know God is good. (Because there have been seasons in my life when I’ve experienced His goodness profoundly.)
I know God is ENOUGH. (Because when my world has fallen apart, or when my hopes have crumbled into ash, or when my expectations and my reality might as well exist on opposite poles, He. Has. Been. He has been more than enough. I know it from the soles of my feet to the crown of my head.)
But sometimes knowing these things, sometimes even experiencing these things, doesn’t help when you’re struggling with the emotions of the moment.
Thank God, truth does not rest on emotion.
He is good, even when life feels blah.
He is present, even when He seems silent.
He is faithful, even when we aren’t. Even when little-old-me is sitting here not wanting to go to Him.
He still loves me.
And get this.
His grace is sufficient, even when that grace doesn’t move us to awe. <–Click to Tweet
Can I tell you how utterly scandalous that feels to type? Because if His grace isn’t moving me to awe, then something is SERIOUSLY wrong.
That’s just the thing, though. Something is!
Something is seriously wrong with all of us.
We’re all completely messed up, and yet His grace covers it.
I can try to muster up the awe. I can try to fill up my heart. Make it not numb.
But it won’t last.
Because I can’t fix me.
So instead of striving to fix things I can’t, I’m going to ABIDE with the One who CAN.
Maybe some mornings, all that’s going to look like is me sitting with my cup of coffee and my open Bible, with nothing to say.
Maybe some mornings, the only prayer I’ll be able to mutter is, “Show me your goodness.”
Maybe that’s a selfish prayer, I don’t know. That’s another thing I’ve been struggling with. He says to ask. But sometimes I’m not sure if I’m asking for the right things. But you know what? I’m just gonna go ahead and ask anyway, because He calls Himself ABBA, which means daddy, and all the good daddies I know never get mad at their children for asking, and since He’s not just good, but PERFECT, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say He doesn’t get mad at us for asking for things either.
So there you go.
As I abide in Him during this season, I am going to pray that He’ll show me His goodness.
Whatever that looks like. I want to see it. Like, off-the-hook see it. This year, in 2015, I want to see His goodness in the land of the living. I want Him to pour out His love in a way that far exceeds anything I could ever ask or imagine. I want Him to show it to me in tangible ways. I don’t just want to be wooed (He’s always wooing us), I want to be undeniably, can’t-escape-it, He’s-after-me-and-won’t-give-up pursued.
That’s my word for 2015.
That’s my prayer for 2015.
What’s yours?
Wow! Just looking at all the responses helps me realize I’m not alone. You’re not alone. We’re not alone.
I’ve just had a similar realization myself. So this year I’m trying to tear the walls down and let God in. Get to know him more, beyond my preconceived ideas of Him.
It’s hard because my defaults yank those walls up when things get difficult.
It’s scary because you never know what God’s gonna do.
But it’s exciting because knowing God more means knowing He’ll take care of it. Everything.
And that’s just awesome!
Very awesome! Thanks for sharing, Barbara! So glad the comments have encouraged you!
Katie,
I love your transparency. Words well spoken.
That’s what I’ve felt the last couple of years. I’ve felt adrift. Knowing I should be in awe of My God. Knowing he hasn’t moved but I have.
I’m focusing on Him this year. His presence. His Word. I want the miracle and the blessing of Enoch. “He walked with God” or Abraham who had such a close relationship with God that he bargained with God. That God told him of His plans.
Blessings!
Me tooo!!
TRUST is my word for 2015. I want to trust God in every aspect of life. I want to trust that He has good plans for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) and even when I cannot trace His hand, I need to trust His heart.
Love that, Alexis. “Even when I cannot trace his hand…”
Hi Katie. I am thinking of that song…”when you don’t know what to say…just say Jesus…” Yep…Jesus. These days, I am saying that name a lot. Just because the calendar says a new year…doesn’t mean I am all better and a new me…I am trying, but it doesn’t happen overnight. As I look to this year and all that God has planned, I must first BELIEVE. I have been pondering what my word will be and found it in the past few weeks. Would you believe that one day I was with my family at Macys, walking through the story that the store puts up around the holidays, and there above me…flying on a hot air balloon above the crowd…BELIEVE floating past me. I had to laugh. My affirmation that indeed, BELIEVE, is my word. And there it is today in your post…Psalm 27…”I believe…” I am working on a novel…very excited about it…What if you could take back something you have said? Lots to ponder as I begin to put the pieces together, but I have heard of more stories with mothers and daughters and the words they both wish they could take back…I believe God loves that relationship between mothers and daughters and He knows all about you and your precious babe. He knows. I believe that. Take care. Again…He knows. Blessings.
Gotta love when God plunks the perfect word into your lap, or has it float above your head! 🙂
It’s so true. I think there are seasons of life in which we all feel numb. We know in our heads that God is great but we don’t feel it. I’ve heard marriage speakers talk about how deceptive and ultimately untrustworthy our feelings (and our search for happy feelings) can be. They always recommend acting in love toward your spouse whether or not you’re feeling love in that season.
I think it might be the same with God. I believe He blesses the person who shows up to serve Him and seek Him pray to Him regardless of how they’re feeling.
Wonderful, thought-provoking, honest post, Katie.
Yep, I’m so glad God is bigger than our emotions.
{{{{{HUGZ}}}}} to you, Katie, that is all, {{{{{HUGZ}}}}} because I so identify with this. and His Word for me this year? FORWARD. all that has “held me back” all that has hindered me, is gone, and He is drawing me, moving me FORWARD. and not me only….. blessings
What a great word! Thanks for the hugs!
i love this post! See that’s real faith right there. Faith is doing right there in the hard. You don’t feel it and yet you still sit with Him. That’s faith. One step at a time doing it even when the heart is numb. Faith isn’t easy, it’s the hard work of being a doer of the Word. Your faith is big, my friend. It shows so loud in your numbness!
Love you, friend! <3
“Thank God, truth does not rest on emotion.” Love this. So true. Our emotions change; God does not. Thanks, Katie.
You’re welcome sister!
Katie – I get it. My spirit connected with each word you shared. I have gotten so caught up in the things of life, being wife, mom, daughter, professor, co-worker, and friend – that I forgot to simply BE. I found myself empty, thirsting for that closeness of fellowship with my Abba father. I have recommitted to that, putting Him back at my center. My word for the year – BALANCE.
It’s so easy to get caught up, Cindy! I love your word!
Love your heart…and this is truth. I’ve been there. The first and then my last miscarriage rocked my world…After I got done feeling angry and betrayed, it was nothing. But just like you said, God was there. God is here. Abide. What a beautiful word. Love you!
Love you, too, Cara. So thankful for your friendship.
This is beautiful, Katie.
I think there are times when the “shoulds” of faith must be balanced with situational reality, and I love the way you’re doing that.
God is awesome and glorious and worthy of shouts of praise and fierce devotion. He is enough, and an ever present help, and a miracle worker, and so many other wonderful things.
But in a relationship, made up of two, it isn’t just about the qualities of one.
I could have a spouse who is so epic, he’s worthy of a full-fledged, Irish Riverdance of celebration every five minutes, for the rest of his life. But if I’ve been gut shot in a dark alley, and am bleeding and teetering at the edge of unconsciousness from the wound, what he’s worthy of in that moment isn’t the only reality.
The other reality is where we are as a couple, and in that case, where we are is in the emergency room.
In that scenario, it’s okay for me to know that He’s there, to do all I can to stay present there with him, but not try to strap on my tap dance shoes, or force a pirouette when I’m so wounded I can’t feel my toes.
In ER seasons, my gift to him is to continue breathing and continue believing. As simple as these sound, the cost for each goes up–way, way up–when everything is broken. And I know He sees their value.
Your gift of abiding, and of asking Him to find you when you cannot find Him, is huge.
I’m cheering for you.
Kelli…how is it you always know the perfect thing to say? This comment. I feel like I need to print it out and hang it up somewhere in my house. You just gave the state of my heart words, and as a writer, words mean so much.
Thank you for being such a warrior of encouragement, prayer, and understanding, friend.
I hope this comment ministers to others every bit as much as it has ministered to me.
Love you, dear Katie. I’ve found some real insight and battle tools in three books during my current ER season:
Healing for Damaged Emotions by David Seamands
Freedom From the Lies You Tell Yourself by William Backus and Marie Chapian
and
The Question That Never Goes Away by Philip Yancey
All three have given me some good things to cling to during these heavy times.
Obviously, we have to read in small doses at times like this, since everything takes so much more effort to process when we’re in the grief ER, but still worth it!
I’ve been wanting to read more nonfiction this year. Thanks for these recs, Kelli!
This. is. awesome.
Thanks for your honesty and transparency, Katie. That verse you shared…in chapel in college once (yes, I did the Christian liberal arts college thing and we had chapel!) the chaplain shared that verse and of all the hundreds of chapels I went to during my four years, that verse and that half an hour stand out more than any other. It reminded me then–and is reminding me again today–that sometimes seeing God’s goodness is a choice we have to make. Sometimes it’s SO obvious…other times, yeah, I don’t see if I don’t make myself.
Love this post!
Love you, Melissa-girl! Thanks so much for the encouragement. 🙂
I’m right there with you, Katie. Abide is a beautiful action we all should put in place. I know I’ll need to abide daily and deeply with the Author of Life as I seek to trust Him with the word He gave to me this year, Growth, and His plan to implement that growth.
Buckle up, Julie! I had that word in 2010, I think? And did He ever deliver! In writing, and in my faith journey. 🙂
Every word spoke to my heart. You’re not alone,Katie. Feelings have left me drained too and sometimes I can only pray one-word or one-sentence prayers.
My word is Focus.
Love that word, Ganise. So grateful this post spoke to your heart. It’s good to know we’re not alone, isn’t it?