Good Parenting Ain’t Easy

Parenting isn’t hard. Good parenting is hard.

Seriously, it is hard work to be a good parent. It’s much easier to let the kid rip apart the bookshelf while I go about my writing. It’s much easier to clean up the mess he made because it’s faster that way. It’s much easier to give him what he wants to stop that horrible, awful, ear-splitting whine.

How can such a horrendous noise come out of the same kid who has the most endearing, contagious belly-laugh?

I have no idea.

I just know that lately, I’ve felt like a not-so-great mom. My son, love him to death, is a tester. And he’s been testing every single boundary I lay down while I grow more and more short-tempered and impatient.

I don’t want to be this way.

I’d prefer to feel much less like this:

And much more like this:

Hubs recently read this great article in Reader’s Digest about how whether we mean to or not, we all create a culture in our home.


Yikes!

Ryan and I asked ourselves: What kind of culture are we creating?

We didn’t like our answer. We were unintentionally creating an impatient, way-too-many-chances culture that was teaching our son he didn’t have to listen the first time and he had the power to drive Mommy and Daddy whackadoo (in the wise words of Becky Houk).

We needed to fix this, and fix it fast. Hence, the plan. I like me a good plan.

Here are some tips on intentional parenting from a woman who’s struggling to be intentional:

Step away from the child. 
I had to remove myself from the moment and the frustration and ask myself how I was contributing to the problem. The answer wasn’t pretty. I soon discovered I was the problem.

Look to the future.
What do you want your children to be like when they are older? Ryan and I want our son to be respectful, responsible, obedient, and independent. We also wrote down a whole bunch of other traits, but got to feeling overwhelmed. Which leads me to my third point…

Less is more.
Eat the elephant one bite at a time, as they say. If Ryan and I tried to focus on every single quality we want to foster in our little guy, we’d become overwhelmed and give up altogether. So from our list, we circled four that were very important to us.

Come up with action points.
We knew what we wanted to encourage in our child. The next step was asking how we were going to do it. What rules and practices were we going to lay down in our house to help our son understand and develop these traits? We came up with four or five simple action points that we are going to focus on over the next couple months.

All of this calmed me down and helped me focus.

It also gave me some perspective. I’m not a hopeless parent and my son isn’t an evil spawn. He’s a pretty wonderful kid. Quick to smile and laugh. He’s just a typical toddler. And I’m a typical mommy who has her typical frustrating days.

Let’s Talk: What parenting books do you recommend? Ryan and I would like to read one together – preferably geared toward raising young children. How do you deal with your kids when they are being naughty and you are feeling increasingly frustrated?removetweetmeme

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

You’ve probably already figured this one out, but I’m a writer. I write Christian romance, which means my novels have one thing in common: a guy and a girl fall in love (after lots of tension-filled roadblocks) as they discover or grow closer to God.

I tried to write women’s fiction for a while, but the stories always came back to romance, which shouldn’t have surprised me, since I’m obsessed with romantic books and movies (yes, I like Twilight). This obsession used to disturb me, until I did some reflecting and figured out why it exists.

I think there is something inside most women.

This deep-seeded longing to be loved and cherished.

Not half-heartedly, but passionately. For somebody to pursue us. To really fight for us. To call us beloved and beautiful. I think that’s why there will always be a market for romance.

We want that guy who’s going to chase after us, no matter the cost. That guy who desires us more than anything else. We want our knight in shining armor to ride up on his white horse and rescue us from a confusing world. From our own brokenness.

But you know what?

That guy already exists. And for you married gals out there, it’s not your husband.

It’s our bridegroom. It’s Jesus.

No matter who you are. No matter what you’ve done. No matter what you look like. He desires you more than you could ever imagine. More than any man ever could. He’s jealous for you. He fights for you. He’s intensely passionate about you. He calls you beloved.

And that, my friend, is the greatest love story of all time.

Here is another song I am obsessed with. It paints a beautiful, beautiful picture of when we walk down the aisle toward our groom – Jesus. The words come toward the end of the song. Don’t miss them. They give me goosebumps every time.

That is why I write romance. To bring to light, however subtly, the desire we feel for love, and the one true answer to that desire. Making reader’s hearts flutter with giddiness is just a fun little side effect.

Let’s Talk: Why do you think romance is so popular?

I stole this from my About page. In case any of you are thinking it sounds a bit familiar.removetweetmeme

Handling Content Edits

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been working with my in-house editor on revisions for my debut novel.

You may be wondering what it’s been like.

Allow me to tell you a quick story.

After I gave birth to my son, my family came to meet our baby and asked Ryan, “How was it?”

He turned to them, looking more than a little shell-shocked, and said, “Intense.”

That’s exactly how I’d describe this. Intense.

As I’ve worked through the issues in my book, I feel like I’ve lived more inside my story than I have outside of it. I’ll come up for air and see my husband standing there and think, “Oh, right. You’re here.”

Before I signed my contract, I always loved when authors would share their experience with in-house edits, like Jody Hedlund does here. I enjoyed getting a sneak peak inside her life. To dream and anticipate when that day would come for me. So now that it is my turn (crazy, crazy), I thought I’d return the favor.

Other than intense, what exactly has my in-house editing experience looked like?

Keep in mind, every publishing house is different. And I’m sure, even within the same publishing house, authors have differing experiences. I can only share mine.

First, my editor and an outside reader read my book. Before she combined the feedback into an editorial letter, or revision memo, we discussed the major areas of concern via telephone.

It was a very casual conversation. Basically, she wanted to ask me some questions and run some ideas by me. I absolutely loved being included in the process.

After our conversation, I had some time to think about her suggestions. There was only one that I felt uncertain about, so I called my agent and she helped me process my thoughts and offered her own. One of the many, many reasons a good agent is invaluable.

A few days later, I received the revision memo.

I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t start pounding just a wee bit faster. It turned out to be nine pages, single-spaced. A very typical length, I think. My editor started with encouragement, a lovely way to start, assuring me that she loved and believed in my story.

Then she moved on to the tough stuff. Things that needed improved.

One of the things I had going for me was a tightly written plot, which meant the overall structure of the book was solid. I attribute that to my psychotic habit of outlining.

There were, however, two big issues that needed attention:
-My main character’s arc
-The romance between my hero and heroine

I think most of you know this, but in case not, I write romance. It’s a huge part of my books. So to find out that the romance between my hero and heroine wasn’t working….

Let’s just say it wasn’t the easiest thing to swallow.

My natural inclination was to respond, “But, but….look at all this juicy tension I created. I can’t mess with that. What would Donald Maass say?”

After taking a deep breath and reading through the rest of the memo, I soon realized that:

1. She was right. Tension is good. But if that’s all there is, it makes for a shallow romance.

2. It wasn’t a lost cause.

She offered several solutions that would fix the problem without diffusing the tension, which made me excited. I could already see how much better my novel would be if I could rise to the occasion and fix what needed fixing.

So, there I was. Revision memo in my possession. All kinds of questions zipping through my head.

Which leads to our second phone call. My editor called me again and we talked for over an hour. She answered my questions, helped me brainstorm, and clarified the confusing spots.

But, that’s not all.

This is where I believe I’m incredibly lucky. This is where I sort of get this feeling of awe for my editor. She doesn’t just stop with a revision memo. She sent me my entire manuscript, with in-text notes.

I cannot tell you how incredibly valuable this has been for me as I work through my revisions. I’ve told my husband several times, “I don’t know what I’d do without these notes!” They’ve acted as a road map. Not to mention, many of the comments are downright funny.

Now here I am, two weeks later, finished (I think) with the major revisions.

So how did I do it?

Here are three tips for surviving a content edit:

Solicit the help of your family.
I asked my husband, my dad, my mom, and my aunt for help. The thing I’ve learned about revisions such as these, is it’s hard to jump in and out of the story. I needed to dive into the story and have large chunks of time to stay in the story. So my dad watched Brogan for an entire day, my aunt and grandma took him several evenings, and my husband took a father-son weekend trip to see his cousins in Wisconsin.

Tackle one issue at a time.
I focused first on their relationship. I went through with the deliberate intention of giving them points of connection. Once I got that out of the way, I switched my focus to my main character and looked for ways to make her more likable, more consistent. I continued until I crossed all the major concerns off my list.

Leave the simple stuff for the end.
As I write this post (Saturday evening), I just finished the last of the big stuff. But I’m not done. I still have to read through the manuscript, do some fine-tuning, make some secondary characters less caricature-like, add some more details to the setting, and make sure my prose don’t get too purple.  But this stuff feels much less daunting than the big stuff. Which is why I saved it for last.

When I finish, I’ll submit the story to my editor and wait anxiously to see if it needs additional revisions, or if I’ve turned in an acceptable manuscript. I’ll make sure to update you as soon as I find out!

For more information on the editorial process, check out these informative posts by my agent, Rachelle Gardner: Do Publishers Edit Books Anymore (to which I can answer a resounding YES!) and The Editorial Letter.

Let’s Talk: What, if anything, surprised you about the revision process? If you’ve gone through it, what was your experience like? Do you have any questions for me about my experience? If so, feel free to ask them in the comment section. I’ll either respond directly, or perhaps turn your question into its own blog post.removetweetmeme