When a friend announces she’s pregnant, our responses tend to be predictable.
Excited squeals. Enthusiastic hugs. Congrats all around. And eager voices that ask, “When are you due?” and “How are you feeling?”
When Ryan and I found out we were pregnant with Brogan, we couldn’t wait to tell people. We couldn’t wait to share our news. We couldn’t wait to share our joy.
And the same was true when we made the decision to adopt.
Our joy was the same. Our anticipation was the same.
Yet the responses ran the gamut.
From absolutely thrilled to absolutely wary.
The wide variety had me wondering why.
Why are the reactions so varied?
I think a lot of it comes from not knowing. So many people just don’t know how to react, because adoption isn’t as common as pregnancy. And there’s this somewhat popular thought that people adopt because they can’t get pregnant. And being infertile isn’t a happy, celebratory thing. So we’re just not sure how to respond when someone we love tells us they’re adopting.
As I travel this journey, here’s what I’ve learned.
When it comes to our response, the why’s don’t really matter. Because by the time a family announces their adoption, they’re excited about it. Sure, there are other emotions too. Just like there are other emotions when a woman is pregnant. But the dominant emotions are usually positive.
So the best response, the one I think adoptive parents most appreciate, is when people react like they would to a pregnancy. With joy and excitement!
Because the family is going to have a child. A precious, beloved child. And that child deserves to be celebrated.
Of course there will be questions. And there will probably be concerns. But get excited first. Ask questions second.
Be like my aunt Peggy, who completely lit up, gave me a big hug, and asked when she could start telling people.
These responses are such a blessing. Thankfully, there have been plenty!
Let’s Talk: Why do you think the responses are so varied when it comes to adoption?
Hi Katie-
I’m a late-comer to the conversation and your adoption journey. Short response: we’re thrilled for you and your new-family member-to-be!
Longer response: Not to be a “downer”, but my mother would be in the camp of those with great reservations, not because she thinks its inherently wrong or bad, but because of her life experiences. For her, the adoption stories she knows best have unhappy endings- at least so far- so if you had told her, she would struggle to be excited.
As I understand it, the three she knows best have included one with crazy, wild behavior that was similar to a birth parent to the point of being so threatening and dangerous he ended up being first kicked out of several schools and then locked up in a facility. In another, the girl went totally wild in a heart-breaking way with lots of pain ripples that was correlated to her adoption in a mixed-racial family. In the third, the boy sent his family spinning with his behavior issues, too, causing lots of stress and difficulties to the family as well.
Is that seen in natural birth families sometimes, too? Yes. Are all adoptive families like that? Absolutely not. But, if these are examples of what people have seen, it’s understandable why they would have a tough time being excited about your decision, especially if they love you.
Simply put, it just points to the fact that adoption is a journey with unique stops and sights along the way. You’ll definitely want to keep the Lord as your tour guide and stay close to his heels with other experienced travelers at your side- which on many levels is true of all parenting, no matter how your child is added to the family! (Another of those times to be SO thankful he promises to give wisdom to those who ask!)
Keys- which you likely already know:
Make sure your child feels unquestionably that they were CHOSEN and DESIRED- celebrate their adoption!! Pray that God would remove from their hearts any sense of being abandoned or rejected by their birth family as this can so wound hearts and seriously affect behavior.
Pray a blessing over them that also addresses any ungodly things that might have been spoken over them in Africa. Spiritual warfare is real and “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6.12) This, too, can cause a lot of unexpected difficulties that can be challenging to overcome.
But again- God is greater and He will bless you, protect you and provide for you in this venture! We will stand with you and support you as you are following His heart for adoption!
May your journey and your home be filled with much joy, love and laughter! We anticipate great things as you follow His lead!
Katie, blessings to you on adopting. You will be giving a child a wonderful home.
I am adopted and so glad I am! My “natural” mother found me when I was 18 and its been a difficult road with her as she is mentally ill, and was devastating for me to find out my natural father committed suicide. I know just how blessed I am to have been raised by my 2 parents.
My adoptive mom (my “real” mom) passed away a couple years ago and she was the most inspirational person in my life, giving sunshine to all who met her. She was my #1 champion. And it was in my grief over her death that I began writing books and now my debut comes out this March – all because of her. She still is a driving force in my life. As you will be with this adopted child.
A child is a blessing – no matter how it comes to you. He will be part of your family as if he were your own. For years I felt like I didnt “belong” as I was adopted but since having my son and creating my own family I am at peace, and know I do belong and have gone on to create love and peace with them.
And I know you and your family will be the sunshine in this adopted child’s life and you will be his mom, no matter what – always.
best wishes! Donna (sorry so long, but this post touched me!)
Katie, I’ve read before comments and posts about your adoption. I AM SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!!! Having adopted twice, (celebrating oldest’s ninth birthday next month) I can relate to the myriad of comments. Some people close to us had this as their first response: “You know how many of those don’t work out, don’t you?”
The biggest lesson I had to learn was to let the negative comments go and trust that God was at work in this. And we saw His finger prints all over the process.
I agree with you that the ideal first response is that genuine excitement. Trusting God is part of the process, isn’t it? My hubby and I grew so much walking through the months until we got to hold our precious bundles in our arms.
Sooo glad you are surrounded by people encouraging you and uplifting you during this time!
Okay, this post makes me mad. **Stick with me.** I don’t understand the ignorance and lack of compassion in people. I really don’t. Maybe I’m just crazy, but I don’t think anyone should react any differently to someone being pregnant and someone choosing to adopt. Either way, like you said, a family is coming together just the way God intended, so the joy and excitement should be the same.
Suggestion: when people react weird to your news, punch them in the nose. Okay. Not at all Godly, but an equal reaction to match theirs.
Love ya, girl!
I am VERY excited for you!!!! One of my close friends from high school has lost three babies in the last few years, one of them late term. They have decided to adopt and have begun the process. I can tell they are excited to walk this road, and as someone who has wanted to adopt all my life, I couldn’t be MORE happy for them 🙂
I agree with you, Katie. The best response should be joy. In Ghana, as with many African countries, adoption is still not popular. Bearing children commands respect that adoption doesn’t. In fact, in many cases couples will not announce it. They might time the adoption with a move to a new house so the neighbours won’t know. yeah, it’s that bad. Other than that, you’re expected to adopt after you’ve had a couple of your own – sort of like a proof that you adopted cos you wanted to and not cos you had to. It’s messed up. Anyway, I won’t write a book here. Very good article.
As a mother of two adopted girls, the thing that always rubs me the wrong way is that people automatically assume we couldn’t have children. Adoption is a ministry and not a consolation prize. Both of the times the Lord brought us our daughter, we had just begun to try to get pregnant again. Adoption was God’s choice for us – not our choice and not Plan B.
Thanks for he post. It is good to enlighten others of how our responses can be hurtful to others.
Sonia
I know for me, the friends who have adopted did so because of infertility. So, my first response is usually, “Really? That’s great!” and then wait for the friend to explain why they are adopting. That way there’s no ill fillings.
Wish you all the very best on this journey! Can’t wait to read your posts about when you bring your child home!
Interesting, Katie! I never thought of the possibility of negative reactions to this news…guess I’m naive that way. I’m glad you’ve been overwhelmed with positives to outweigh those negative and neutral responses.
I think it’s amazing Katie! There are just too many children that need someone to really love and take care of them and provide them with a good home. One of these days we hope to adopt so I’ll probably be blog stalking your experiences!
Anyways, I’ve actually gotten mixed reactions from people about having children in general. Families overall have shrunk in size and while most people expect that eventually a family might have children it usually comes after the careers, etc. Adoption is such a definitive pro-children choice that a lot of people just don’t get it, especially when the people involved aren’t posh superstars who just have money to flaunt on “causes”. Anyways – kudos to you and best of luck for your family!
I’ve really enjoyed reading these posts about your journey towards adoption. Thanks for sharing what the best responses are to that exciting news – and what not to say or ask. I loved your aunt’s response!
One of my children and their spouse wants to adopt children from overseas by choice. People always say: “Oh, can’t they have children?” I completely get this as I really think they would be wise to at least try and have one of their own before adopting. I have really wrestled with this and grieved over them not having a biological child, but having said that, respect their decision to adopt children already born who really need loving parents, so long as that decision is not based on fear. Please respond at my e-mail and many thanks.
Adoption is a beautiful thing. You take it and run with it, Katie! All that matters is you, hubby, Brogan, and that precious child that will be coming into your life. Let all those questionable faces and comments go. Listen to God.
For Christians, adoption should be something we know. The Apostle Paul speaks of our adoption by God as Children in Romans, Galatians and Ephesians.
It is on this basis that many Christians I know choose to adopt children, even when they CAN have children (many already do!). One family I know has two children born to them, plus adopted TRIPLETS — and they are in their mid to late 20s!
I think those who understand the love parents have for adopted children and those in a culture (e.g. a church) that promotes, supports and teaches adoption, will be the most excited and encouraging. Those who see it less and hear about it less, probably struggle more to understand, and to know what to say.
There HAS to be trust in God to provide for the needs that a child has (almost more than with giving birth it seems, sometimes). I think that might be behind some hesitant reactions: HOW are YOU going to feed and care for an adopted child(ren)? Saving and stewardship are certainly part of it, but it’s all trusting in God’s Providence. Perhaps the trust comes more naturally for observers with the more familiar pregnancy and birth.
Just some thoughts from a single guy. Take ’em for what they’re worth.
I wish I could give your Aunt Peggy a hug!
Coming from the club no one wants to be a part of, a grieving parent from our child dying, we are oh so familiar with the “friends of Job” responses – well intentioned at their core, but come out as sword thrusts. We’ve experienced that with both of our adoptions as well, from comments from “Grandma” behind our backs like “That adopted child better be white!” (skin color like eye and hair color mean nothing to my husband and I – and two of our children are Asian, not caucasian) to comments in front of our faces RIGHT after announcing such as, “Ask your brother how much he likes having three children.” Yes, those were responses we faced from family at the news we were going to adopt.
And then on the other side of the family, the genuine joy, happiness, and curiosity with love we’ve been shown has been just, wow. Each and every time we announced we were adopting.
My niece Sophie asked my sister if it was true that we were going to adopt again. My sister told her yes. Sophie asked, “If the children are from Haiti, are they going to be black?” My sister replied yes, wondering where on earth this was going. My niece excitedly screamed YES! Child-like innocence and curiosity in love. Excitement over what it meant for our family, but also what it meant to her. This was one of my favorite responses over our current adoption – unabashed excitement for these kiddos to be a part of our family and extended family, whatever the reason.
Do you think sometimes people hesitate because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing?
I’m wicked excited for you. You’re going to be the best mom for this little bundle of joy. You’re going to grow so much and you’re going to change a child’s life forever. It’s going to be amazing and beautiful and difficult and challenging (just like a child you birth.)
YES! I think you hit one of the reasons right on the head, Erica! I’ve definitely been in positions before where I’m not sure what to say and am afraid of saying the wrong thing – I think this happens a lot with adoption.
Which is why it’s a GREAT reminder for adoptive parents to extend grace. A lot of times…people just don’t know what to say. And besides, by the time we’re ready to announce, we’ve had the time to process everything. The person we’re telling hasn’t.
Glad you brought that up, Erica!
I think my first reaction would be a mixture of great joy and curiosity. The combination because I also have a dream to adopt someday. I smile everytime I read one of your adoption posts, Katie. Wish I could be there for the welcome home party. 😉
Wish you could too! I’m sure we’ll get some video that we’ll put up on my blog.
That’ll be awesome. 😀
I think it’s like you said. In most cases adoption means infertility and that’s a sad thing, but you need to be happy for the person just the same.
I think another reaction could be that it’s intimidating to a lot of people. Especially since Angelina Jolie made it such a topic of “generosity” so to speak. It’s hard to explain, but some people really struggle to understand why anyone who can have kids chooses to adopt. Then they compare themselves and come up short! Crazy, I know!
YES! This is so true…and the truth is that God is knitting your adoptive child into your family just like He knits a child together in your womb… so on the day that you finally bring him/her home, it will be a time of great joy and thanksgiving. I am SO excited for you.
Jeannie and Beth’s comments are thought-provoking in their honesty. Your post really drives the point home that we should think before we speak (although I probably over-think before I speak because I’d rather err on the side of caution). The more we learn, the less we judge. Thanks for sharing your heart on this. Like Lindsay said, you are educating people here and it can only help to take away the fear & discomfort of the unknown.
I think unhappy responses are from lack of knowledge about adoption. I think adoption is a beautiful thing, considering we’re all adopted anyway. By God. 🙂
I agree with others. It is the unknown experience that makes people uncomfortable or unsure how to respond. But for every negative reaction, I hope you receive 10 positive ones (well, you know what I mean). Because in the end, a child gets a home. You get a child. It doesn’t really matter how. That child will be yours.
Other friends of ours are adopting and have said similar things. They said they prickle when people refer to their biological children as their “real children” because of course they will love their adopted child just as much.
I guess all you can do is educate people, which is what you are doing here! So thanks for that. 🙂
Were we seriously responding with the same “afraid…very afraid” at the same time? Cracking me up!
Won’t even mention a response I got after my miscarriages. Oy.
I think Jeannie tapped into it–fear. People are afraid of what they’re not familiar with. But now that I’ve had my babies I know to be afraid…very afraid. 😀
And I cannot wait to welcome your new little one! I’m already jumping up and down.
~ Wendy
Wooooooooohooooooooooo!!! I am SO STINKING EXCITED for you guys!!! And for this new little one!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!! Now hurry up and get all that paperwork done so I can meet the little darling!!! Wooooooohooooooooooooo!!!!!
(That would be my response.)
And that is why you rock. 🙂 I’ve been super super blessed to get LOTS of responses like this! It makes this journey all the more memorable!
Well, thanks. I just love adoption and God’s amazing ways of helping us help his children in need around the world. And goodness, if we don’t get our socks blessed off in the process.
Who knows why people react why they do? Maybe they’ve felt the pull in their own hearts to adopt but have built up a wall around the idea because they’re afraid. Whatever the reason, I’m sure it will be impossible for them not to be over the moon when they get the opportunity to meet your new son or daughter.
I will not go with my first response to your question, Katie, because I’d just have to delete it. And because it’s not very gracious.
Sigh.
Your blog post tapped into my whole experience with a late-in-life pregnancy. How a family member said,”I thought you had him fixed.” “Him” being my husband, not our dog.
Another Mommy-Come-Lately (my term for late-in-life moms) I know was told, “Well, at least it’s not cancer.”
Excuse me?
People just don’t think before they speak. Particularly when it comes to the oh-so personal choice of pregnancy, no matter how it occurs. People have their opinions about childbirth, when it should occur, how many children per family is appropriate, etc … and these expectations flavor their reaction.
I believe the one and only response to an announcement of “We’re pregnant!” or “We’re adopting!” Is a huge “Hooray!”
** Just read Jeanne’s comment. Funny story, that.
I didn’t even think about that, Beth. About the reactions a mommy-come-lately might get. I always cringe when I hear someone refer to a child as “an accident.”
i think it’s because adoption is scary to *most* people. it’s this unknown. and just as no one knows the joys (and challenges!) of being pregnant until they are pregnant themselves, no one knows the exact journey that a family goes through when deciding to adopt. so there is a trepidation factor of what exactly to say, because you don’t want to say the wrong thing.
and funny story about always responding with joy to someone when they are pregnant….i actually said “I’m sorry” to someone—and then immediately backtracked to explain that i’m truly happy for them, but my initial response was one of what i would think if i got pregnant again. isn’t that awful? that poor woman certainly wasn’t expecting that, but she understood and laughed with me about it later. whew.
I can totally hear you saying that, Jeannie. I can picture your face too. You are a crack up.