Many people go to their graves with God’s unplayed music still inside them.

My church handed out these devotionals a few weeks ago. I found this quote inside. I don’t know who wrote it. I only know that the words have stuck with me. 

Let’s Talk: What does that quote mean to you? How can we play God’s music today?

*photo by shadowzelda3

So often, I catch myself setting my heart on an outcome rather than God.

So often, I catch myself praying for gifts when the Giver wants to give me Himself.

Here’s the thing. 

We can pray for a thousand outcomes. God can give us every single one. And somehow, we can still end up miserable. Unsatisfied.

Which is why I want my prayers to change more and more.

From…

Lord, can you give me this? 

To…

Lord, can you give me You?

If insane success will draw me closer, then that is what I want.

If failing will draw me closer, then that is what I want.

If waiting will draw me closer, then that is what I want.

If finding myself in a place of mediocrity will draw me closer, then that is what I want.

I won’t lie. These are scary prayers. Because of course I want to be successful. Nobody sets out to fail. 

But I’m learning that when we set our hearts on God, we always win. No matter the outcome. 

Because He is the source of all joy and all peace and all hope and all comfort and all strength.

My heart’s cry is that I would learn more and more to go to that source. To ask for the Giver. No matter the gift.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -Psalm 73:26

Let’s Talk: Are you placing your hope in an outcome or are you placing your hope in God? Whoa! How’s that for a convicting question? At least it convicts me. Please tell me I’m not the only one it convicts!

*photo by weddingmusings
 

This theme unfolds all around us.

God bringing beauty from pain.

God breathing life into that which feels dead. 

It’s a running theme in my debut novel, Wildflowers from Winter.

It’s a running theme in adoption.

Every single one is born out of pain. Out of sadness.

It starts with frightened pregnant teenagers who don’t want to be mothers. It starts with houses steeped in addiction and abuse and neglect. It starts with countries afflicted by war and poverty and AIDS. It starts with parents who die and governments that devalue life. 

Orphans exist because our brokenness is real and pervasive. 

Yet God uses what is broken to reveal His glory, showcase His mercy, bring about healing, pour out His blessings, knit together families, and draw hearts closer to Him.

Beauty from pain.

Life from death.

It’s a truth that resonates deep in my soul.

Nothing is too broken, too tattered, too lifeless, too painful for the Master Craftsman.  

Not me.

Not you.

Not any choice we have made.

Or any circumstance we find ourselves in.

He can use it all to sculpt that which is beautiful and that which is breathtaking.

All we have to do is let Him.

Let’s Talk: Tell me about a “beauty from pain” story in your life or in the life of someone you know. 

In case you missed it, Southern Writers Magazine had me as a guest on their blog yesterday. I wrote about Love Delivered. Come say hi if you get the chance! 

The other day, I came across these words from Paul:

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  -Philippians 4:11-12

Wow.

Talk about challenging.

Because seriously, content whatever the circumstances?

You mean as writers, we’re to practice contentment whether we have an agent or not? Whether we have a book deal or not? Whether we’re having a good experience with our publisher or not? Whether we have good sales or poor sales? Whether we’re writing in obscurity or writing in the spotlight?

You mean as adoptive parents, we’re to practice contentment whether we are happy with our agency or not? Whether we get a referral when we’re supposed to or not? Whether we bring our child home as scheduled or not? Whether our little ones adjust well to their new lives or struggle to bond?

Really?

God’s word says yes.

He wants us to learn contentment in every circumstance.

Because He knows something that tends to go right over our heads. At least mine.

Circumstances don’t bring contentment.

They might bring temporary excitement or happiness, but those feelings quickly fade. If we hinge our contentment on the hope of better things to come, we’ll never be content. 

We’ll forever live under the assumption that if we could just get an agent, or just get a book deal, or just earn out our advance, or just win an award….

We’ll forever live under the assumption that if we could just get that referral, or just get our travel plans, or just hold our child, or just help them adjust… 

Here’s the thing.

There will always be one more “just”.

Which is why these verses are worth remembering.

For writers. For adoptive parents. For pretty much anyone who lives and breathes and strives.

The source of our contentment is not our circumstances.

Does this mean we’re supposed to put on a happy face and smile when times are crummy? Does this mean that we’re not allowed to vent or cry or struggle?

Of course not. Even Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died.

It just means that at the end of the day, God wants us to rely on His strength. To rest in His grace. To trust in His goodness. To put our hope in His promises.

Through every situation. Through every season of life. Whether good or bad. 

Let’s Talk: What area of your life do you struggle with the most in regards to contentment?

Jealousy.

Joy.

Two conflicting emotions that often come hand-in-hand.

For the unagented writer who finds out her blogging friend just got “The Call”.

Joy. Jealousy.

For the unpublished novelist who finds out his agency mate signed a three-book contract.

Joy. Jealousy.

For the struggling author whose debut buddy made the best-seller list for the third time in a month.

Joy. Jealousy.

The Joy-Jealousy war is not exclusive to writers.

It seeps into many a heart.

Like the older sister who’s been trying to have a baby for years and hears her younger sister is pregnant.

Or the young lady who must sit through another bridal shower while she has yet to find Mr. Right.

Or the guy whose cousin gets the job of his dreams while he remains unemployed.

Or the prospective college student whose best friend gets accepted into a great college while she opens another rejection.

These are common emotions. This joy and this jealousy. 

One lifts. The other tears. Both are strong.

We can’t control the jealousy.

But we can embrace the joy.

To smile and celebrate the good news we wish could be ours. The jealousy doesn’t make the smiling and the celebrating fake. It’s far from fake. And the more we focus on the emotion that lifts us, the less we are controlled by one that tears.

Let’s Talk: Do you ever struggle with jealousy and joy? Which emotion do you embrace? How do you do it?

I think I’m naive. 

Not about everything. But about some things.

For instance. 

When I tell people we’re going to adopt from the Congo, which is by and large a pilot program for many adoption agencies. The response I get usually goes something like this:

The Congo? Wow! That’s a pilot program, right? That’s pretty brave of you guys. Isn’t there a travel advisory for the Congo? Isn’t it dangerous?

To which my response usually goes something like this:

Brave? Pilot program? Travel advisory? Um….

And then I realize that really, I have no idea what we’re getting ourselves into. We just know that when God planted this adoption seed in our hearts and we started doing copious amounts of research on foster, domestic, and international adoption. We kept coming back to the Congo. 

So we said yes. In all our sweet naivety.

We truly don’t know what’s in store. And I think that’s okay. Because if we did, we might have said no. And then we wouldn’t have witnessed God at work in the ways we’ve already witnessed Him since filling out that application.

It makes me glad God doesn’t show us a detailed map, complete with every bumpy road and unexpected detour, before we agree to travel down a certain path.

I’m pretty sure if He did, we’d start to rely on the map instead of Him. 

It makes me glad that with God sitting beside us, we don’t need a map. Not when He already knows the way.

We don’t need to know the ins and outs of the journey ahead. We just have to listen and obey and trust that He’s strong enough, smart enough, all-powerful enough, to get us through the roadblocks and the detours and the potholes as they come.

Let’s Talk: Have you ever signed up for something without knowing what you were really getting yourself into? How did it turn out? Do you think you would have done it if you’d known ahead of time what was in store?

Recently, a friend wrote me an email. She was confused. She wanted to know if the waiting and the rejection could be God’s way of telling her to quit writing.

This isn’t uncommon. A lot of Christian writers question whether God wants them to quit. I know I’ve been there. But then I read verses like this:

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit stressed.

And what’s scary is that this is only a taste of what’s to come. 

Once we’re in the throes of our adoption, and once my book hits shelves, life is only going to get crazier. And to add to the craziness, we recently learned that my hubs is a kidney match for his younger brother. There’s a very real possibility that in four or five months, Ryan will undergo major surgery so he can give one of his kidneys away.

There was a two day span where I felt like my brain was in constant fast-forward. Juggling a million thoughts. And my mind kept nursing the impossibility of it all.

Everything that’s about to happen in our lives felt impossible.

The adoption is going to cost significant money.

If Ryan goes through with this surgery (he’s not the only match), he’ll be out of work for six weeks.  

Not to mention the surgery would take place right when my book releases, which is going to be an insanely busy (albeit fun) time.

So yeah. My mind was whirling. And whirling. And whirling. Trying to figure out how it’s all going to work. And the more my brain whirled, the more I realized how absolutely prone I am to anxiety. The more I realized how much Satan relishes in our convoluted, circle-spinning worries. 

Because the minute we take our eyes off Jesus and focus on the what-ifs, is the minute we turn into Peter. Walking on water one second. Sinking like a rock the next. So focused on the impossible waves that we lose sight of the One who can calm them with a snap of His finger. So focused on the impossible waves that we freak out and get back in the boat.

But then what?

What glory is there to be had for God when I curl up in the boat? 

How will I experience the nonsensical, paranormal, mind-blowing POWER of Jesus Christ when I tackle only what can be done through my own feeble strength?

So there we were. Ryan and I. Rocking back and forth, back and forth about all that’s going down. The adoption. Kidney transplant. Finances. The adoption. Kidney transplant. Finances. Going absolutely nowhere. Trying to figure it all out in our tiny, finite minds. Until Ryan said, “What do you think God would say to us right now?”

Even now, several days later, I can still feel Him peeling our fingers away from the control we grasp so tightly in our white-knuckled fists. I can still hear Him whisper.

Trust me. I’ve got this. 

And He does. He’s got it. 

So I will take a deep breath. I will keep my eye on Jesus. And I will trust that the crazier the waves, the more glory He will get should He enable us to walk on them.

Let’s Talk: What waves has God enabled you to walk on in your life? How do you keep your focus on Him instead of the worries? 

photo by KIJones

“God is looking for people through whom He can do the impossible. What a pity when we plan only the things we can do by ourselves.” -A.W. Tozer

Seven years ago, I watched Brad Pitt travel to Africa on Primetime Live. It’s kind of silly. That this special feature with Diane Sawyer, in a region I didn’t much think about, would alter my heart so profoundly. But it did.

After watching, I couldn’t get Africa out of my head. An entire continent, ravaged by war, poverty, and AIDS, planted itself like a seed in my heart. I went through this long phase where I told my brand-spankin’ new husband that I wanted to move to Africa, find the nearest orphanage, and love on kids all day.

If Ryan was scared his wife was going all missionary on him, he never let on.

But the seed was there. I felt inexplicably pulled to a continent I knew very little about. To a whole race of people I’d never officially met.

Looking back, I can see that God puts His plans in motion long before we have any clue.

It was around this time, during my Africa-fever, that I found out my church would be traveling to Nairobi, Kenya for two and a half weeks to do HIV/AIDS outreach. They were gathering a team to go. And I knew, with absolute certainty, that I wanted to be on that team. I wasn’t a doctor. I didn’t have much to offer in the ways of medicine. But I had two hands and a heart that yearned to help.

So I went. A year after hubby and I got married, I boarded a plane with several others, flew across the Atlantic ocean, and landed in Nairobi. I spent two and a half weeks meeting women I’ll never forget. Two and a half weeks with a flock of little black children swarming around me, rubbing my skin, calling me Mzungu. Two and a half weeks driving around in a Matatu learning random words in Swahili.

I came home a different person. If Africa was a seed before the trip, it had turned into a tree after. With roots and limbs and leaves. I loved that continent. And that love transformed into words. Words upon words upon words. So many that I had to get them out. So I sat down and wrote my first novel. A story about two high school students who travel to Kenya.

But life did what life does. It took over. And the leaves turned colors and eventually fell away.

I still thought about Africa. My heart broke for what was happening in Darfur. I taught my 5th grade students about the civil war ravaging Uganda and the Congo. Where Joseph Kony and his rebel army would raid villages and do unimaginable things to the men, women, and children. Oh Lord, especially the children. Africa was still in my heart. It just didn’t pulse as strongly as it once had.

My obsession with Africa morphed into an obsession with writing. A dream to be published, to share my stories. Which, as any writer can attest, is incredibly time consuming. So time consuming that I couldn’t be the wife and mother and writer I wanted to be while working full time. So after much prayer, I left my job. I left behind my salary. We knew God was calling us to step out in faith. Would we trust that where He leads, He’ll also provide?

I won’t pretend it wasn’t terrifying. But we listened and obeyed. And God has provided. In amazing, amazing ways. We’ve experienced His provision. 

But something I’m learning about God, is that He likes to keep us on our toes. The Christian life isn’t meant to be comfortable. So I shouldn’t have been surprised when a couple months into our new routine, with me as stay-at-home mom, something started to happen. 

A slow and steady stirring in my heart. A slow and steady stirring in my husband’s. A soft whisper that sounded something like this, “I have a blessing I want to give you. It’s not going to be easy. Will you trust me? Will you follow?”

I’m not one to say God speaks audibly. That’s just not my experience with faith. I’m a gal who thinks God speaks through His Living Word and through other believers. But this nudge we were feeling in our spirit was undeniable. 

We couldn’t push it away.

God was asking us to adopt. 

I wrestled with Him. I argued, “What if I can’t love an adopted child as much as my biological one?”

God replied, “Don’t make this about you, Katie.”

I wrestled with Him. I argued, “Do you know how much adoption costs? It’s insane. I just lost my salary. There’s no way we’ll come up with the money.”

God replied, “I provided before. Don’t you think I’ll do it again?”

He put people in our lives who could never be coincidence. He gave our pastor words that spoke directly to our situation. We could not deny it. We no longer wanted to. God’s love for the orphan had penetrated our hearts until they broke for the fatherless.  

So we started to research. Foster care. Domestic. Private. International.

And that tree in my soul? That African tree that had lost its leaves? It grew buds. And the buds turned into vibrant green. Africa came back. With a passion, it came back. And I was left in awe that God was at work in my heart long before adoption was even a blip on my radar. At work in my heart through a Diane Sawyer interview with Brad Pitt. That even then, God knew His plans for my family. That although I never moved to an African orphanage, perhaps I could bring a child home from one. 

So after an insane amount of research. After meeting another couple with the same desire (you can find their blog here). After a dead end that led us somewhere different. Ryan and I filled out the application for Lifeline Adoption Agency. We applied for their Congo program. Last week, we were accepted. We’ve signed the papers and sent in the first payment. And now we start our journey. 

This crazy, insane, beautiful journey.

I’m holding on to this loosely. At least I’m trying. The Congo program is new. The country is at war. AIDS is running rampant. Nothing is a guarantee. We still have home studies and fundraising and all number of other things to pass through. But there’s a very real possibility that in 12-15 months, I will be returning to Africa. This time with my husband. This time to the Congo. This time to meet our son or daughter.

Let’s Talk: Tell me about a time when God spoke to you about something big. And because this journey is scaring me just a little bit silly…..if you have any great fundraising ideas, please share! 

Thank you Holly for sending me these pics! I can’t believe that trip was over six years ago!