When the hubbers and I got married, the very first book we read together was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Great stuff. Seriously. Great, great stuff.
Even now, seven and a half years later, when either one of us is feeling unloved or unappreciated, we will say to each other, “My love tank is feeling empty.” And we know what’s up. We know how to fill it.
Basically, there are five popular ways people express love. And often, how we express love is also how we receive it.
The five languages are:
- Acts of service
- Gift-giving
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Physical touch
So let’s say Joe and Sally are married. Joe’s primary love language is gift-giving. Sally’s is acts of service. Sally wants to show Joe how much she loves him, so she cleans the house and cooks him dinner. Joe wants to show Sally how much she loves him, so he buys her a Vita-Mix. Joe and Sally both appreciate the gesture, but they don’t necessarily feel the love because they aren’t speaking the same language.
Joe keeps buying Sally gifts. Sally keeps finding ways to do things for Joe. But the wires are crossed. And eventually, Joe and Sally’s love tanks are running on fumes. Both are trying to express their love, but they’re doing it in a way the other doesn’t understand.
Hence, the importance of knowing not just our own love language, but the special people in our lives too.
For me, I’m totally a Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service gal. Ryan can tell me I’m wonderful and do the dishes, and my love tank shoots through the roof. Ryan, however, is very much a quality time guy. So if I’m not carving out time to spend with him, then his love tank will start to feel pretty empty.
It’s a great book. An excellent Christmas gift for married couples.
Let’s Talk: What’s your love language? What about your significant other’s? What about your parents or your children?
My mom is a huge fan of this series of books, and we’ve all done the test in the back multiple times..lol! If I remember correctly, my love languages are words of affirmation and quality time as well as gifts. A lot of mine were all highly numbered. Whoops…
My husband jokes that I have all five love languages (I’m MULTILINGUAL!), depending on the day, my needs and moods. However, I think we’ve finally narrowed it down to quality time. His is touch, which is something I have to make a conscious effort about (casual touch), since I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.
Another book that revolutionized our marriage was “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. I almost like that one more, because it’s completely Biblically-based. But 5 Love Languages is insightful for sure!
Heather – we just did Love and Respect as a church-wide small group thing. We read the book, but also watched the videos. So good! I liked the videos even more than the book!
Running behind on visiting some of my favorite blogs. ‘Tis the season!
I love this book and have referred it to a lot of people.
My husband and I didn’t get the love language down for a while — probably because the book wasn’t published when we were first married!
I joke that every man’s default love language is touch.
Sorry.
:O)
My husband’s love language is touch … really. And mine is gift-giving.
Funny thing is, I used to think I had to apologize for my love language. It seemed so materialistic.
But the gifts I give don’t have to be huge, expensive gifts (although sometimes I wish I had a HUGE gift budget.)
This was a good refresher for me. I even asked the hubby. I knew which ones weren’t his love language but it’s a good reminder to be sure you are encouraging your spouse in the right way. My hubby’s is physical touch and strangely enough I am all of the above. I am a freak. 🙂 But Amy means “beloved” so maybe that is my superpower/sixth sense.
I forgot all about this book until I read your post. Yep, it’s a good one for married couples (as well as the other version, for kids). My love languages are definitely quality time and physical touch, while my husband’s are acts of service and words of affirmation. Even based off the comments here today, it seems like lots of us are with spouses who are different than us. It’s as if God pairs us up with opposites so we learn from them. 🙂
Barb – your hubby and I have the same love language! It’s definitely rare for a hubby and wife to have the same. Or so it seems!
Understanding the Love Languages really helps. I receive Words of Affirmation but tend to give Gifts. From my point of view the best gift is a handwritten, heartfelt card or note. I have a big ‘ol file of ’em I’ve saved and reread when my love tank’s running low.
Gwynly gives Gifts of Service but prefers to receive Quality Time. I realize that when he washes my truck or bakes me shortbread, he’s said “I love you,” so I respond with thanks and an “I love you back.” Knowing my guy enjoys spending time with me and needs that to fill his love tank, I plan times to do his thing: going on walks together, attending his car club meetings, etc.
Our daughter is all about Physical Touch, giving and receiving all the hugs she can get. Even though I’m not a big hugger, I give our gal plenty.
I think it’s really fun to see what love language our children speak. Brogan’s only three, so I’m not quite sure yet.
Great book! My church did a couples’ retreat on The Five Love Languages.
Excellent book. Changed our marriage! My husband likes to call me a high maintenance love language wife b/c mine flutuate and I used to switch it up on him often. Words and physical still reign for me though.
I was just talking with a friend on the phone yesterday about this book & how helpful it is.
~ Wendy
Yeah, I’m totally a words of affirmation gal, too. Why in the world did we decide to be writers?
I love this book. It’s so important even beyond just married couples. The logic can be used with friends, family, church family, co-workers. They even have books geared towards these other relationships.
I know, right? Why on earth did we become writers!? People who have Words of Affirmation as their love language should stay far away from the arts. Because when we don’t get the affirmation, we feel unloved. And when we do, it just feeds our need for more love! It’s a crazy cycle, I tell you. Crazy!
Mine are acts of service and quality time, and my husband’s is quality time. But not the same quality time as me…no, his is more “shoulder to shoulder” time (where he just likes doing activities together, even if we’re not talking) and my version of quality time is talking my guts out so that we really know each other on a deeper level. 🙂 Even in the love language, there’s room for gender differences…
On another note, another Ah-mazing book is “Love and Respect.” Priceless in a marriage.
Lindsay – I totally got a kick of of your comment. Because I often have breakfast at Panera with my girlfriends. We meet at nine in the morning, and most of the time, I don’t get home until after noon! He is always so baffled and wants to know what on God’s green earth we could be talking about for that long. I tell him we talk about everything. He just doesn’t get it. 🙂